Friday, October 28, 2005

Where do I go from here...

I'm not sure to be quite honest. And that's why I'm posting this... When I first started doing the whole blogging thing, I thought it would be a great way to practice writing and just get out of my own head...but then I started writing more for other people than for myself. (I'm reminding myself of Edward saying that but no I'm not about to come out with a big "reveal".) I just wasn't being myself. I felt more like I had to come up with something entertaining... or noble and honorable sounding or even funny and Lord knows that's a struggle, sometime. Actually I'm a real hoot in person. So I lost the purpose of me writing in the first place. Plus when I started I was working a job that I hated and blogging kept me from a) doing any "real work" b) jumping from a ledge and c) killing my supervisor.
But now I'm doing a job I like (well so far) and I'm super busy and I don't have anything too interesting to say so I'm going to take a break. I hope the two people that read me from time to time won't mind if I still check out their pages and comment once in awhile. I love reading you guys. It' s like my afternoon pick-me-up! Thanks for being there for me and thanks for being encouraging.
I may come back from time to time if I have something I really just gotta lay out on paper but it'll probably be real sporadic and definitely "real".

Friday, October 21, 2005

Good news y'all...

Hey Errybody,
I got a new job. I am now the school based counseling, teen parenting program supervisor. Yahoo! I have a staff of 5 and an office 'stead of just a cube. And I'm scared sh--less because I have to supervise people who have been doing this far longer than I have and I'm not even all that confident when it comes to my clinical skills and (breathe, Pam, breathe) I'm just relying on faith, prayer and reading every counseling and supervising book I can find. Whew! But I'm still happy! Wahoo!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Oh hell naw...

Now I've heard it all. I've always encountered people who tell me that I'm the whitest black girl they know. And it always ticks me off just a little bit because I'm like what the hell does that mean. I can't help it if I was raised on the Brady Bunch and the Mouseketeers because my mother thought half of what was on TV was just too "risque" for me to watch. And besides who's to say what "black" is supposed to sound like. Now I'll concede to the fact I dress a little like a soccer mom, but I know some black soccer moms--so don't trip. Funny thing is all of this people saying I talked "white" used to bug me so much as a kid that I adopted this southern-fried slang that had me sounding more hillbilly than anything else. Now I just feel like I talk like me and I am me, like it or lump it!
However, I finally heard it all yesterday. As I was racing to my car downtown (I walk pretty fast.) This drunk yells at me and tells me that I walk like a "white girl". What the hell? How does a white girl walk? And he proceeded to chastise me on how I must not know I'm black all because of how I was walking. Now I wonder how black he would have thought I was if I'd hauled off and slapped him upside his rock head! Anyway, I just ignored him but damn it bugged me enough that I actually started paying attention to walking. Grrrrr.... Stupid people suck!

Beisbol been berry berry good to me...

Okay I HATE baseball. I think it is almost as boring as golf and DAMN golf is boring. But living here in Chicago right now is a little exciting I have to say. Why? Cuz the White Sox are going to the World Series and even though I won't watch a game (no way, no how), I find myself smiling at all the happy folks running around in black and white jerseys and all the talk of it on the radio and peopel trying to buy 200 dollar tickets (those are the cheap ones). Hell, I may go to the sports bars on game night but not to watch, just to pick up men!

Monday, October 17, 2005

We are family...

I went home (my family's home) this weekend. I drove in on Saturday and turned around and came back on Sunday. So that makes 10 hours in under 24 hours. I knew that going in and trust and believe I was thoroughly dreading it with all of my heart but I had such a wonderful, wonderful time. I am a firm believer in getting loved up by your family. Sometimes it's just so rejuvenating. The whole time I was driving back I felt so blessed to have been born into the family that I am a part of... Don't get it twisted...they do drive me bugsh-t sometimes. But whose family doesn't. And we do have some serious dysfunction stuff going on with some relatives but that's just part of life. I wondered if I (or even if my family) would feel all warm and fuzzy if I lived closer to home. Prob'ly not cuz we'd just take each other for granted. Anyway, it was good to see everyone (even though I didn't get to see not ONE of my babies--my little cousins David (13), Ari (3) or Tre (not even 1 yet)) Oh well, there's always Christmas.
I did see my best friend and damn if I didn't have a premonition that she is gonna get pregnant. I have these intuitive moments and I'm usually right which is why I'm gonig on record here and now so I can show it to her when it happens.
And on a less than happy note, one of my favorite cousins (the one's that are closer to my age), got arrested. Damn! He's such a sweet guy. But he has an anger problem which is what got him trouble with the cops in the first place. Then he fools around and gets caught riding around with a gun in the car. Damn, boy! And it happened not an hour after I had talked to him. We were talking about how hard a time he if having finding a job. He got laid off from his previous job. He really does want to do the right thing and I'm not just saying that because he's fam. I'm saying it because it's true. I almost wish I could bring him here to live with or near me and help him get on the right track but hell if he can't stop getting in trouble he'll never be able to leave Detroit.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

hope is a good thing...

I have been thinking a lot about hope lately. There is a line in the movie the Shawshank Redemption about hope being a good thing, maybe the best of all things. And then it ends with Morgan Freeman's narration about all of the things he hopes (hope I didn't ruin it for anybody who hasn't seen pun intended). Anyway, I love that movie, it's one of those movies that have little special messages that I apply at certain times in my Joy Luck Club or Under the Tuscan Sun...
Anyway, hope is funny. It's so damn transient, y'know. I mean one minute you can be feeling like you are in the fucking pit of despair, see no light at the end of the tunnel and next thing the slightest thing can pick you up and start you to feeling good...
This week started real crappy for me...I was determined I was gonna be in a funk and no one could tell me anything else but funny thing happened. As I left my class Monday, people were speaking and saying hello...(They NEVER do that) like we were old friends and I didn't have the heart to growl at them...
Next thing...I saw this man at the detention center (where I see my client) and ooh baby was he FINE! Not just cute but I didn't get his number and he didn't get mine but it's been so long since I've even felt attracted to someone. So that was hopeful.
Then two people quit at my job and I was looking to try and interview for one of their jobs which would have meant more money and a better position...(didn't quite work out)...they aren't filling the higher position...but it still made me hopeful.
Now when I look at these on the surface, I'm like that's some pitiful shit to be hopeful about but the more I think about it...I'm still hopeful because it just shows me how life is so much about movement and change and in the bat of an eye something good can happen. You just never know.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Things I'm digging right now...

1. Old "Scrubs" reruns on DVD! (I love that show and Zach Braff is hot!)
2. My goofy, funny, crazy clients!
3. My super soft oversized sweatshirt.
4. My totally comfy yoga pants.
5. The newspaper man outside my office. He gets my 50 cents every Friday no matter how many newstands I pass.
6. Garrett's caramel corn. (it's a Chicago staple)
7. The White Sox (and I don't even like baseball but the whole city's excited so I may as well jump on the bandwagon).
8. The no smoking ban in restaurants! Sorry all my smokers but that shit annoys me no end. Especially when I'm dealing with this scratchy throat.
9. Oh and last but especially not least Hermes 24 Fauborg (probably mispelled-I got a sample of the stuff at Macy's and heaven help me I smelled so good, I was loving myself-couldn't keep the boys off me!) :)

regrets...I've had a few...

Isn't that a line from an old Sinatra song? Who knows. Y'all I always feel like I've got to issue a disclaimer on some of my rants cuz I sound like the most f---ing depressed person in the world. And I swear y'all I'm not depressed and I don't want y'all to feel like coming to this page is a big ol' downer. I just think I've been real reflective lately...and I swear I'm NOT depressed. I'm actually kinda mellow (though that might be the Sudafed, yet I digress).
Life is interesting...I think I wrote on this site before that I'm looking for a house. I'm really excited about it and nervous and everything. Well, the problem comes from the fact that I have very little money saved and I work in a profession (social work) where I'm getting paid bubkiss. Hell, lower than bubkiss! I don't forsee any sugar daddies coming to bail me out anytime soon either. But I digress yet again.
Anyway, sometimes when I think about my financial situation, I ask myself what the hell was I thinking. If I had continued teaching, yes, I may have strangled some kid or torn out my own hair or be in an institution in a straitjacket somewhere but I would be making at least 10k more than I currently make now. Why the hell did I pick this profession? I guess I believed all the hype about doing what you love and the money following. Well, crap it better get here right away like yesterday because I need it to buy my house. I believe in the choices I made. My personal philosophy makes me think that life is a journey and that even though we get tangled up in the woods sometimes that it all works out in the end. I just sometimes wonder how life would be different if...
For instance, if I'd stayed in Detroit for some reason I think I'd be married now and with about 4 kids and for some reason overweight.
If I'd continued teaching, I'd be wealthier (maybe) but I might also be a little bitter.
Plus if I'd done any of the steps different I might have some benefits but I also would have missed some fantastic things too.
Right now, as much as I'm anxious for the next phase in my life, I do believe that I'm where I need to be. I know corny...but hey corny can be true too!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

We are the world...yeah, whatever!

**Before I begin...late breaking computer bit the big one. I turn it on and the little light that glows green to show it's on, glows a fiery orange which signals to me, shut me the crap off or I'll blow I tell ya', I'll blow the freak up!

Okay back to the original point of this dear friend Vania just came back from the Phillipines. We hung out on Thursday at a Cuban spot called Cafe Bolero. She was telling us all about her adventures and it was all very interesting. Then she was telling us (her sister and me) that she thinks that she has become less militant...she says that she came to a new-er understanding of us all being God's children and that she feels less bitter now. And I think that is great but I wonder will I ever make that leap.
I am trying to follow Ed's example of writing with honesty...
Anyway, back to my leap. I have some anger issues and I have to be honest and say a lot of it is directed towards white people. Don't get me wrong I don't want to "Kill" or even hurt white people. And ooh I know this next sentence is gonna sound really terrible and prejudiced but I even have white friends. Ewww, it made me wince just to type that. Seriously though, I have always been the person if you're cool with me, then I'm cool with you. If I feel a connection with you then you've got me hooked and race isn't even a factor. However, that never stopped me from noting the way my eyebrow would crawl halfway up my forehead when one of my white friends would say something that I thought might be off-putting about blacks. I was raised in a household where my grandma and grandpa told me do not trust white people and I think that has really tainted me in someways. I'm not laying blame on them. I'm just stating why I think the way I do sometimes.
Anyway, part of the reason I'm raising this issue is because of Bill Bennett's comments. I listen to a good amount of talk radio (most of it liberal) and I was getting so angry at people calling in and defending that ass! I mean imagine if Jesse Jackson or Farrakhan or any other black (what some people call leaders) made such a statement. They would be lambasted and criticized. Some of the callers had the nerve to suggest blacks are too sensitive. Well, damn if we're sensitive, maybe you need to figure out why and maybe you need to respect that. Anyway, just thought I'd vent plus it's almost time for me to give up the library's computer...