thoughts...

I'm not pouting y'all really I'm not...I'm just computer-thinking-out-loud. I was perusing a post by someone on Grace's page (Mel) and she had the most beautiful post about being in love. And I thought it was so sweet. And it's been so long since I felt that way. I wonder will I feel that way again ever but I don't dwell on those thoughts cuz then I'll get all pouty and poor me and start doing the pity thang and I sooooo am not trying to be in that place. I am so full of contradictions. One minute I'm loving life and feeling like the ultimate single girl, like Mary-freaking-Tyler-Moore. You know like if I had a beret I'd be throwing out in the street or up in the air. I get super scared when I think about getting close to someone again. I feel like I just can't even imagine trusting anyone ever again. I've met so many assholes and liars. Plus I wonder if what I've always thought of as a relationship is not just some elaborate fairy tale that I dreamt up in my mind. I mean what is love. Don't get me wrong...I know that love exists but I don't remember being in love. Okay--now I'm rambling for real. But I don't remember being truly connected with anyone. I've had people I cared about (and one or two) that I still care for and wish all the best for even though it didn't work out for us, so I love(d) them but was I in love, I don't know. I think I was just infatuated. (Disclaimer: In spite of the way this post reads, it was not written under the influence of alcoholic beverages, illegal drugs or Sudafed).