Random Thoughts

Where do I go from here...

2005-10-28T15:42:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure to be quite honest. And that's why I'm posting this... When I first started doing the whole blogging thing, I thought it would be a great way to practice writing and just get out of my own head...but then I started writing more for other people than for myself. (I'm reminding myself of Edward saying that but no I'm not about to come out with a big "reveal".) I just wasn't being myself. I felt more like I had to come up with something entertaining... or noble and honorable sounding or even funny and Lord knows that's a struggle, sometime. Actually I'm a real hoot in person. So I lost the purpose of me writing in the first place. Plus when I started I was working a job that I hated and blogging kept me from a) doing any "real work" b) jumping from a ledge and c) killing my supervisor.
But now I'm doing a job I like (well so far) and I'm super busy and I don't have anything too interesting to say so I'm going to take a break. I hope the two people that read me from time to time won't mind if I still check out their pages and comment once in awhile. I love reading you guys. It' s like my afternoon pick-me-up! Thanks for being there for me and thanks for being encouraging.
I may come back from time to time if I have something I really just gotta lay out on paper but it'll probably be real sporadic and definitely "real".

Good news y'all...

2005-10-21T13:20:00.000-05:00

Hey Errybody,
I got a new job. I am now the school based counseling, teen parenting program supervisor. Yahoo! I have a staff of 5 and an office 'stead of just a cube. And I'm scared sh--less because I have to supervise people who have been doing this far longer than I have and I'm not even all that confident when it comes to my clinical skills and (breathe, Pam, breathe) I'm just relying on faith, prayer and reading every counseling and supervising book I can find. Whew! But I'm still happy! Wahoo!

Oh hell naw...

2005-10-19T20:33:00.000-05:00

Now I've heard it all. I've always encountered people who tell me that I'm the whitest black girl they know. And it always ticks me off just a little bit because I'm like what the hell does that mean. I can't help it if I was raised on the Brady Bunch and the Mouseketeers because my mother thought half of what was on TV was just too "risque" for me to watch. And besides who's to say what "black" is supposed to sound like. Now I'll concede to the fact I dress a little like a soccer mom, but I know some black soccer moms--so don't trip. Funny thing is all of this people saying I talked "white" used to bug me so much as a kid that I adopted this southern-fried slang that had me sounding more hillbilly than anything else. Now I just feel like I talk like me and I am me, like it or lump it!
However, I finally heard it all yesterday. As I was racing to my car downtown (I walk pretty fast.) This drunk yells at me and tells me that I walk like a "white girl". What the hell? How does a white girl walk? And he proceeded to chastise me on how I must not know I'm black all because of how I was walking. Now I wonder how black he would have thought I was if I'd hauled off and slapped him upside his rock head! Anyway, I just ignored him but damn it bugged me enough that I actually started paying attention to walking. Grrrrr.... Stupid people suck!

Beisbol been berry berry good to me...

2005-10-19T20:30:00.000-05:00

Okay I HATE baseball. I think it is almost as boring as golf and DAMN golf is boring. But living here in Chicago right now is a little exciting I have to say. Why? Cuz the White Sox are going to the World Series and even though I won't watch a game (no way, no how), I find myself smiling at all the happy folks running around in black and white jerseys and all the talk of it on the radio and peopel trying to buy 200 dollar tickets (those are the cheap ones). Hell, I may go to the sports bars on game night but not to watch, just to pick up men!

We are family...

2005-10-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

I went home (my family's home) this weekend. I drove in on Saturday and turned around and came back on Sunday. So that makes 10 hours in under 24 hours. I knew that going in and trust and believe I was thoroughly dreading it with all of my heart but I had such a wonderful, wonderful time. I am a firm believer in getting loved up by your family. Sometimes it's just so rejuvenating. The whole time I was driving back I felt so blessed to have been born into the family that I am a part of... Don't get it twisted...they do drive me bugsh-t sometimes. But whose family doesn't. And we do have some serious dysfunction stuff going on with some relatives but that's just part of life. I wondered if I (or even if my family) would feel all warm and fuzzy if I lived closer to home. Prob'ly not cuz we'd just take each other for granted. Anyway, it was good to see everyone (even though I didn't get to see not ONE of my babies--my little cousins David (13), Ari (3) or Tre (not even 1 yet)) Oh well, there's always Christmas.

I did see my best friend and damn if I didn't have a premonition that she is gonna get pregnant. I have these intuitive moments and I'm usually right which is why I'm gonig on record here and now so I can show it to her when it happens.

And on a less than happy note, one of my favorite cousins (the one's that are closer to my age), got arrested. Damn! He's such a sweet guy. But he has an anger problem which is what got him trouble with the cops in the first place. Then he fools around and gets caught riding around with a gun in the car. Damn, boy! And it happened not an hour after I had talked to him. We were talking about how hard a time he if having finding a job. He got laid off from his previous job. He really does want to do the right thing and I'm not just saying that because he's fam. I'm saying it because it's true. I almost wish I could bring him here to live with or near me and help him get on the right track but hell if he can't stop getting in trouble he'll never be able to leave Detroit.

hope is a good thing...

2005-10-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about hope lately. There is a line in the movie the Shawshank Redemption about hope being a good thing, maybe the best of all things. And then it ends with Morgan Freeman's narration about all of the things he hopes (hope I didn't ruin it for anybody who hasn't seen it...no pun intended). Anyway, I love that movie, it's one of those movies that have little special messages that I apply at certain times in my life...like Joy Luck Club or Under the Tuscan Sun...
Anyway, hope is funny. It's so damn transient, y'know. I mean one minute you can be feeling like you are in the fucking pit of despair, see no light at the end of the tunnel and next thing the slightest thing can pick you up and start you to feeling good...
This week started real crappy for me...I was determined I was gonna be in a funk and no one could tell me anything else but funny thing happened. As I left my class Monday, people were speaking and saying hello...(They NEVER do that) like we were old friends and I didn't have the heart to growl at them...
Next thing...I saw this man at the detention center (where I see my client) and ooh baby was he FINE! Not just cute but beautiful...no I didn't get his number and he didn't get mine but it's been so long since I've even felt attracted to someone. So that was hopeful.
Then two people quit at my job and I was looking to try and interview for one of their jobs which would have meant more money and a better position...(didn't quite work out)...they aren't filling the higher position...but it still made me hopeful.
Now when I look at these on the surface, I'm like that's some pitiful shit to be hopeful about but the more I think about it...I'm still hopeful because it just shows me how life is so much about movement and change and in the bat of an eye something good can happen. You just never know.

Things I'm digging right now...

2005-10-05T17:46:00.000-05:00

1. Old "Scrubs" reruns on DVD! (I love that show and Zach Braff is hot!)
2. My goofy, funny, crazy clients!
3. My super soft oversized sweatshirt.
4. My totally comfy yoga pants.
5. The newspaper man outside my office. He gets my 50 cents every Friday no matter how many newstands I pass.
6. Garrett's caramel corn. (it's a Chicago staple)
7. The White Sox (and I don't even like baseball but the whole city's excited so I may as well jump on the bandwagon).
8. The no smoking ban in restaurants! Sorry all my smokers but that shit annoys me no end. Especially when I'm dealing with this scratchy throat.
9. Oh and last but especially not least Hermes 24 Fauborg (probably mispelled-I got a sample of the stuff at Macy's and heaven help me I smelled so good, I was loving myself-couldn't keep the boys off me!) :)

regrets...I've had a few...

2005-10-05T17:34:00.000-05:00

Isn't that a line from an old Sinatra song? Who knows. Y'all I always feel like I've got to issue a disclaimer on some of my rants cuz I sound like the most f---ing depressed person in the world. And I swear y'all I'm not depressed and I don't want y'all to feel like coming to this page is a big ol' downer. I just think I've been real reflective lately...and I swear I'm NOT depressed. I'm actually kinda mellow (though that might be the Sudafed, yet I digress).
Life is interesting...I think I wrote on this site before that I'm looking for a house. I'm really excited about it and nervous and everything. Well, the problem comes from the fact that I have very little money saved and I work in a profession (social work) where I'm getting paid bubkiss. Hell, lower than bubkiss! I don't forsee any sugar daddies coming to bail me out anytime soon either. But I digress yet again.
Anyway, sometimes when I think about my financial situation, I ask myself what the hell was I thinking. If I had continued teaching, yes, I may have strangled some kid or torn out my own hair or be in an institution in a straitjacket somewhere but I would be making at least 10k more than I currently make now. Why the hell did I pick this profession? I guess I believed all the hype about doing what you love and the money following. Well, crap it better get here right away like yesterday because I need it to buy my house. I believe in the choices I made. My personal philosophy makes me think that life is a journey and that even though we get tangled up in the woods sometimes that it all works out in the end. I just sometimes wonder how life would be different if...
For instance, if I'd stayed in Detroit for some reason I think I'd be married now and with about 4 kids and for some reason overweight.
If I'd continued teaching, I'd be wealthier (maybe) but I might also be a little bitter.
Plus if I'd done any of the steps different I might have some benefits but I also would have missed some fantastic things too.
Right now, as much as I'm anxious for the next phase in my life, I do believe that I'm where I need to be. I know corny...but hey corny can be true too!

We are the world...yeah, whatever!

2005-10-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

**Before I begin...late breaking news...my computer bit the big one. I turn it on and the little light that glows green to show it's on, glows a fiery orange which signals to me, shut me the crap off or I'll blow I tell ya', I'll blow the freak up!

Okay back to the original point of this piece...my dear friend Vania just came back from the Phillipines. We hung out on Thursday at a Cuban spot called Cafe Bolero. She was telling us all about her adventures and it was all very interesting. Then she was telling us (her sister and me) that she thinks that she has become less militant...she says that she came to a new-er understanding of us all being God's children and that she feels less bitter now. And I think that is great but I wonder will I ever make that leap.
I am trying to follow Ed's example of writing with honesty...
Anyway, back to my leap. I have some anger issues and I have to be honest and say a lot of it is directed towards white people. Don't get me wrong I don't want to "Kill" or even hurt white people. And ooh I know this next sentence is gonna sound really terrible and prejudiced but I even have white friends. Ewww, it made me wince just to type that. Seriously though, I have always been the person if you're cool with me, then I'm cool with you. If I feel a connection with you then you've got me hooked and race isn't even a factor. However, that never stopped me from noting the way my eyebrow would crawl halfway up my forehead when one of my white friends would say something that I thought might be off-putting about blacks. I was raised in a household where my grandma and grandpa told me do not trust white people and I think that has really tainted me in someways. I'm not laying blame on them. I'm just stating why I think the way I do sometimes.
Anyway, part of the reason I'm raising this issue is because of Bill Bennett's comments. I listen to a good amount of talk radio (most of it liberal) and I was getting so angry at people calling in and defending that ass! I mean imagine if Jesse Jackson or Farrakhan or any other black (what some people call leaders) made such a statement. They would be lambasted and criticized. Some of the callers had the nerve to suggest blacks are too sensitive. Well, damn if we're sensitive, maybe you need to figure out why and maybe you need to respect that. Anyway, just thought I'd vent plus it's almost time for me to give up the library's computer...

Vegas Rocks!

2005-09-29T14:01:00.000-05:00

Okay to all my jaded friends...I loved Vegas! It's one of those experiences you just kinda have to have at least once in your life. It's so bright and shiny and pretty. I lost too much money (anything over a 5 is too much). I saw lots of pretty men dressed up like pretty women. I posed with wax statues. I walked about 55 miles. I stayed in a dump of a hotel downtown instead of on "The strip" (won't do that again). I ate a deep fried Oreo. And heck there's just too much to detail right now.

Other goings on in my life:
I'm trying to decide if now is the right time to buy a house.
I've finally accepted my weight instead of obsessing over it.
I got my hair cut off (well short).
And I've also decided to stop obsessing about the love thang too. (Well today at least) It'll come when it comes! :p

this is new for me...

2005-09-17T06:49:00.000-05:00

Okay I usually don't talk about my sex life or lack of one on this site for a couple reasons... It's not cuz I'm prude-y about that kind of thang but I'm...just kinda discreet or modest. It's like sex brings out my split personality. I've been known to talk about it like a guy in a locker room and then I've been known to blush like I'm a virgin bride at the mere subject. So I'm just goofy about the whole thing. I blame my mom. (When all else fails blame mom. Although to be honest this one is totally on me.) Yet, I digress.
The reason for this post is just to vent. And here I go. This morning I woke up horny as HELL. I've always been a sex in the morning type of girl. Well, a little in the night and then some wake up sex to cap it off. Again I digress. I don't know if my hormones are raging because it's that time (5 or 6 days after Aunt Flo and my body is all like "let's make some BABIES) or if it's cuz I got a midnight booty call from a "friend". The funny thing is I have a few friends who want to have sex with me. And I have been holding out...when I was younger casual and SAFE sex was no big (well I wasn't free flowing with any bruh to come down the pike and I did want a relationship) but it wasn't as complicated as it is now. Now (and some people might get this and some might not) it's not that I just want it in a relationship (which I do) but I also don't feel like being that intimate just to get my rocks off. So anyway, I've been holding out on these "friends" because I know it's only about sex and neither of them wants anything else from me and me from them. One of them it's easy cuz the sex is just pretty bad. He's a sweetie but it ain't happening. The next (my 3 am) booty call is more difficult because he is a temptation. This guy is all kinds of wrong. I don't trust him. He's not respectful and he's very blatant with it just being sex. He calls it "honest" which it is but damn show some tact or affection. Anyway, I'm all "no, no". Yesterday (this morning) I was cool but I woke up about to climb up my bedroom wall. I called him. I texted him too. Fortunately he didn't answer because he would'a got worked this manana. So that of course left me with a problem (so to speak) which I set about rectifying. I won't go into details but let's just say my machinations would have made a good episode of Sex and the City. So while it was cool it just wasn't the same of course. Yet, I know if I sleep with Mr. Gigolo I'll get an instant thrill but then I'll get all moody and depressed after. And it's just not worth it. (okay guess I answered the question I was gonna put to y'all but of course I'm open to all views)

damn, damn, damn...part 2

2005-09-13T18:53:00.000-05:00

I am too through. I wrote a wonderful and witty, little blog on exercising and my fascination with my exercise teacher's butt (it's amazing) and damn it if blogger didn't lose it somewhere in cyberspace. Well, I am not writing it again. I'm having a fat day. Why is that some days we just look fatter than others. I have been doing better. I skipped dessert two days in a row (big stuff for a sister like me). I've been watching my portions. I've run around the track and today I look like I'm in my third trimester. What the hell?
I'm looking for a home. Everything in Chicago is so damn pricey though. I hate living in an expensive-A city. My friend in Cincy told me that she and her hubby got there new home for 77k. 77K!!!! You can't get a garage in Chicago for 77K. damn, damn, damn!
Oh people I'm going to Vegas for the first time next week to celebrate that auspicious occasion known as "Pam's Birth". Tell me what I can do that's fun and not too expensive. And keep it reasonably clean cuz my mom is going to be with me. Not that she doesn't have her own "freaky" side but that's just not the kind of stuff that moms and daughters share.

thoughts...

2005-09-06T21:35:00.000-05:00

I'm not pouting y'all really I'm not...I'm just computer-thinking-out-loud. I was perusing a post by someone on Grace's page (Mel) and she had the most beautiful post about being in love. And I thought it was so sweet. And it's been so long since I felt that way. I wonder will I feel that way again ever but I don't dwell on those thoughts cuz then I'll get all pouty and poor me and start doing the pity thang and I sooooo am not trying to be in that place. I am so full of contradictions. One minute I'm loving life and feeling like the ultimate single girl, like Mary-freaking-Tyler-Moore. You know like if I had a beret I'd be throwing out in the street or up in the air. I get super scared when I think about getting close to someone again. I feel like I just can't even imagine trusting anyone ever again. I've met so many assholes and liars. Plus I wonder if what I've always thought of as a relationship is not just some elaborate fairy tale that I dreamt up in my mind. I mean what is love. Don't get me wrong...I know that love exists but I don't remember being in love. Okay--now I'm rambling for real. But I don't remember being truly connected with anyone. I've had people I cared about (and one or two) that I still care for and wish all the best for even though it didn't work out for us, so I love(d) them but was I in love, I don't know. I think I was just infatuated. (Disclaimer: In spite of the way this post reads, it was not written under the influence of alcoholic beverages, illegal drugs or Sudafed).

You get what you ask for...

2005-08-31T11:42:00.000-05:00

Okay y'all, so I started my teaching gig again. My eyes are stinging from being open wayyyyy too early this morning. When I looked at the clock, it said 5:15 (good heavens) and then when I walked into the living room and turned on the tube (my morning ritual) it said 4:59. Oh hells no! I do not do anything or time with a 4 in front of it. 4 is for sleeping, 4 is for head thrown back, mouth open, crusty eyes sleeping--okay actually I don't sleep that ugly. I'm more the hair laid out on the pillow behind me, mouth closed, gentle wistful snores. Okay, so you caught me, so I really don't know but doesn't the second description sound better?
Anyway, went to class, met my students, one is a girl who used to be the receptionist at my old job. Total conflict of interest because I LOVE her! She is the sweetest. But I promise not to show her any preferential treatment.
Moving on...I had kids fill out index cards and write 1 or 2 sentences on the back about writing. I want to make fun of them because they are filled (well 70% of them) with pitiful (capital P) grammar but I won't cuz I'm feeling kind-hearted today. However, I told them to write anything and I got one that read, "Writing is all right." How do you respond to sump'n like that? On the other hand I start my writing class tonight. Let you know how it goes. It better be good since I'm sacrificing my dorky dance show.

I gotta type fast...

2005-08-23T14:26:00.000-05:00

I gotta type fast because I've got to run and see another client. Today has been one o' them days where I am just on the run. From one client's home to another to the detention center to the office to another client, jeez. And guess what guys I've got a syllabus due, an editing job due and a closing report and just when I get up off of my lazy tail to do some editing (it's soooooo overdue), my computer breaks down. The damn monitor won't turn on. It's all plugged in, it just won't turn on. I don't know if the plug has got a short or if it's a hard drive glitch. I just know it pickedthe wrong damn time to go all kerblooey. Well, I'll call the Geek Squad and have them take a look at it. Maybe they'll send a cutie geek to ask me out on a date. HA!
Item 2--my friends (well my friend and her friends) came to down to celebrate her B-day! Oh it was sooo much fun. I miss those people. I ate myself senseless and spent too much money but I don't care because it was so worth it. Why does it cost so dern much to park in the big city? My friend Lisa spent 49 bucks for two nights. I just drove around downtown for 35 minutes and parked 8 blocks away. Day-um!
Item 3--I went to Neiman Marcus (or Mark-up if you prefer) w/ my friends and had a makeover. I'll post the pics whenever I get 'em back. It took them 10 minutes to achieve the "natural" look and 22 minutes for the "streetwalker" look. I was one glam streetwalker though! : )

life's little joys numero uno...

2005-08-16T14:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you can tell by my postings but I can be purty critical and negative sometimes too... Lately it seems like the whole world (okay not the whole world but pop culture, the media et al.) takes pride in being snarky and sarcastic. Therefore in the interest of spreading a little sunshine. Nah-I'm not about to go all Oprah and start a gratitude journal. Although there's something to be said about being grateful... I'm going to recount some little joys. Not all at once. That would be too syrupy for even me but every now and again as they spill out.

Today's joy is the street performers that play downtown. Not all of them. I could really do without the guy who dances like Michael Jackson in the subway. No I'm single-ing out these dudes who have marching band instruments that play on a different corner every day. They are the bomb and their music makes me happy. In fact it makes me want to put on something spangly and shake my butt! They are selling their CD. Wow, a CD of marching band music. I might have to hook it up. Then I can pretend I'm a majorette or booty shake girl in the privacy of my own living room. Shake it!

I love my friends butttttttt....

2005-08-15T16:11:00.000-05:00

I love my friends butttttttt.... what is up with friends calling you on your cell while you're at work. Emailing and talking on the phone are two entirely different things people. Plus I've got one of those distinctive ringtones that makes people look around and go WTH??

Calling all non-losers...

2005-08-14T17:38:00.000-05:00

I know there has got to be some guy out there in his 30s or early 40s that is not a loser. So why do I keep meeting all the creeps? And no y'all it's not just me. Listen to yesterday's date.
The dude: a recent divorcee. Me: hopeful, cute chick, just released from a fling with a disrespectful a--hole who had no clue on how to be a friend. To be totally fair, I allowed him in my life for that brief moment in time, call it desperation. Back to the date. The place: an Italian restaurant. Now actually the date itself went okay. It was the phone calls before and after that caused my head to hurt and my muscles to tense up with the desire to slap somebody. I've actually talked to dude on the phone before this, brief calls and they went reasonably okay but they were also only about 5 minutes long, talking to him for longer than 15 minutes brings out his alter ego--Mr. Cool. He's one of those dudes that just tries to damned hard to be cool or "real" as he puts it. He asked what was wrong with me because I don't have a man right now because his daddy told him that any woman my age without a man must have a problem especially if she is an attractive one such as myself. Now how am I supposed to respond to something like that. He also kept going on and on about how important appearances are to him. Now I know everybody has there standards of what they like and don't like but you don't have to put everything out there like that. "If a woman has jacked up toes, I'm out. If a woman's feet are too big, I'm out." Maybe I'm sensitive cuz I got big feet (hee!)...but I don't think so. I think I'm just picking up on his obnoxiousness and it's a problem. And then all the trying to be suave. "Can I come rub your shoulders and neck?" No. A man who is really sexy does not have to try so hard. Just come hang out...take my hand, rub my arm. Don't be a goof about it. Geez! Then I wonder if it's me, cuz I ain't perfect and I know I can argue but then damn stop saying stupid stuff!

Mammary memories (how corny is that for a title)...

2005-08-10T10:20:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to print this before...(didn't want to jinx anything)... but now it's done (for now) and I'm relieved and figured I'd put this down.

I have a very interesting relationship with my breasts. I suppose most women do to some extent. Well, that might be a bit presumptuous of me but then again—which woman out there can’t relate to the little girl in “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” You know the little girl who taught us all about waiting for boobs and squeezing our hands tight in front of our chests chanting, “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.” Or wait did I get that from Shirley Feeney on an old episode of Laverne and Shirley? Either way it goes, all I know is by the time I hit fourth grade, I started getting curious about boobs and my lack of them.
Although the curiosity started long before then. I remember sleeping in the room with my uncle when I was six. My uncle was only eight at the time. It was a hot night and he’d slept without a shirt so I figured I’d do the same thing. Well, my grandma came in and calmly explained that I couldn’t sleep topless. When I asked why, she gently told me that little girls have blossoms (hee!) and little boys don’t. Of course I didn’t get it considering his chest and mine looked exactly the same but I took her word for it and felt pretty special putting on my flowered undershirt.
And even though that was a warm fuzzy moment, I was about ready for those blossoms to spring into action by 5th grade. I was tired of undershirts. I was ready to proceed to the big leagues of a training bra. Oh let me qualify that, I was mentally ready. Physically, I was still looking like my eight-year-old uncle. It didn’t help matters that my best friend was already wearing a B-cup, which may not sound like much but to fifth grader, well DUH! She had skipped the blossom stage and went into full bloom!
About this time, my other girlfriends were getting boobs too and we had taken to comparing what we had or didn’t have and then for some reason comparing that to fruit. There were grapes, apples, or in Jackie’s case grapefruits. I did not find it at all amusing to be in the raisin group. My mom was there for me buying me one of those cute little training bras that were really no more than an undershirt cut in half.
Time moved on and I eventually did blossom though not much. I was still part of the itty-bitty titty committee but I was cool with it. I felt like if I got to a B, cool, but if not fine. Then it happened. I went to college and got on the pill. (That’s a whole separate other story.) And one of the wonderful side effects besides the best skin I’ve ever had was a hormonal surge and a fuller brassiere. I finally achieved B cup status. I remember when my breast-obsessed friend Ang noticed this for the first time. Unfortunately we were in a family restaurant when she loudly proclaimed after passing several glances at my side view, “when did your breasts get so big?” Embarrassed as I was I have to admit I was pretty proud of my new found boob-age. I wasn’t Dolly Parton but what I had was good for me.
I could relate any number of boob stories, from the discovery to how much fun boobs could be to my irritation at their soreness every month around the 11th to overcoming my embarrassment at showing a little cleave, but they would probably sound a lot like your stories and I’d be missing the point.
The point is that I have a second mammogram this Wednesday and I’m scared that now that I’ve really begun to enjoy my breasts, there may be a problem with them. To wondering how would I handle it if I had to let one or both go. Of course, my choice is always life…so if they had to go, then so be it. But I’m just wondering if they could put one in a little glass case so I could pull it out and look at it from time to time.

What do you do...

2005-08-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you get bad news? And not bad news like you broke a nail or you're out of chocolate ice cream? But bad stuff that is serious and that you have NO damn control over.

I usually get shocked...that disbelief factor...where you're just processing it and trying to comprehend. Then I get angry, I scream and cry and ask God, Why!? What is going on? How come this is happening? Even the cliche'd Why me? can pop out of my mouth from time to time. Then I get into the blame game and blame myself. I must have done something to bring this on.

Finally, I search for answers. I may surf the web and research. I may talk to people. It is at these times that I wish I had the unshakeable faith of some of my friends. My faith tells me that God will see me through some hard times...but I just want to know why there have to be hard times to begin with? I'm tired of my life being constant drama. I'd much rather live in a light fluffy sitcom. Three's Company misunderstandings anyone? People say things happen for a reason and I've always said that I just don't know if that's true. But the more crap that happens the more I'm starting to believe there must be some purpose behind it. Growth, learning, I don't know.

I know I'm talking in vague generalities but bear with me anyway because I just don't want to get all into details--the details aren't what's important here at the moment anyway. I also wonder do I tend to make drama where there is none...well I wouldn't say none but very little. I mean my imagination tends to run on and often times to the WORST case scenario. Oy vey! Then I get a case of the guilts because there are other people living out serious stuff, then I get angry cuz it seems like I'm the only one going through crap then I get guilty again for getting angry. And then I come to a place where I realize there's truly nothing I can do so I pray and not just for the problem to be fixed but that if it can't be fixed that I can have some peace.

Cheek to cheek...(not those cheeks!)

2005-07-27T10:57:00.000-05:00

I had the most marvelous time last night. I went to a dance open house. I have a secret (well not so secret) love affair with dancing. I love practically any kind of dance. If I'd had any type Anyway, my friend has been taking classes and invited me out. They gave us all a little mini-lessons in the fox trot, waltz, rumba, salsa and merengue. I had done salsa and merengue before but the other stuff was new and fun. Plus I got to dance with the cutest instructor. His name was Quentin, hmmmmm Quentin. Anyway, he was fine as blueberry wine and he was working that black on black tuxedo. Yowza! All of the instructors I danced with asked if this was my first time taking lessons and told me how good I was. I know you're thinking they were just trying to sell me but honey I can dance! : ) Work it, Mama!
I felt so elegant waltzing and fox trotting around the room. All I needed was a flowy white dress to be the next black Ginger Rogers. Too bad Mr. Quentin didn't want to do a tango. I didn't need much provocation to throw one leg up on his shoulder. Ay yi yi!

My 5 answers...

2005-07-27T10:47:00.000-05:00

1. shoes or purses?
Shoes. I lovvvvvvveeeee shoes. I would have a love affair with shoes if I could.
2. have you ever been in a catfight?
I've been in a girl fight when I was 13. My friend's little sister (age 11) was jealous of my friendship with her sister and just attacked me one day. So needless to say I had to kick her little behind. (yeah, I know she was 2 years younger but she was strong). I haven't had to slap anyone around as an adult yet. ;)
3. were you in love with the man you lost your virginity to?
As far as I am concerned yes. The man who introduced me to "intimacy" was someone I loved. The man who I eventually did the full-on deed with was not.
4. do you see yourself turning into your mother? (what parts? is it bad? good? scary?)
Some ways I see myself turning into my mom. I hear her laugh or voice coming out of my life and that is super scary. The way I would love to turn into her is to be as generous and giving as she is. I think we're both pretty determined to when we set our mind to something.
5. what's the proudest moment in your life?
Ooh, that' s hard. There's a few but one that stands out is when I was in 8th grade and I gave the introduction for our guest speaker. Everyone applauded and the guest speaker made a comment before his speech about how great I was. I smiled so hard I sprained my mouth! : )

this is long y'all but skim it anyway...

2005-07-21T15:51:00.000-05:00

Okay guys, this is full of typos and everything (it's just a ROUGH draft) but if you get a chance skim it...(you'll recognize the first part from a previous blog)

Lessons in Growing Older

Today I went to Bally’s (twice!). Well, if we’re being honest, the first time was simply to pick up a class schedule to see what exercise class I would take later that evening. As I was standing in front of the gym, three young men approached. They were at least 15 years my junior and cast me nary a glance. However, as they entered a young woman walked out and I noticed one check out her derriere and another walked a few paces behind her asking for her phone number. She smiled politely and moved on. I chuckled for a moment before the “Heyyy!” kicked in. It wasn’t a “Heyyy! How dare you objectify that sister?” or a “Heyyy! You stepped on my foot trying to run after girlfriend and get her digits!” It was a “Heyyy! What am I chopped liver?” I remember when that was me brothers were breaking their neck to get to. Okay, well maybe my memory is a bit tainted but I had gotten my share of “hollas” back in the day. And still get an interested glance from time to time, but I digress. Seeing the young men’s reaction made me more determined than ever to get toned.
I am noticing as I grow older that my body is changing. I was blessed with a quick metabolism and a small frame. It was nothing for me to eat a Sara Lee cheesecake (well half of one) and not gain a pound. I used to be the skinny hussy that the big girls would look at and cluck, “Well you just wait to you hit 30!” Well, 30 came and went without much fanfare as did 31 but at 32, damn! My metabolic clock didn’t just slow down, it came to a screeching halt. Fortunately, I still have a frame that makes it look like I’m carrying less weight than I am but the tight little bod I once had now jiggles and shakes in places it didn’t use to jiggle and shake. I’m noticing love handles and rolls where there weren’t any. And though I’m all about the healthy body image and loving yourself, I’m also about getting healthy being fit and getting back some more of those missing “hollas”.
So with all this in mind, I have been taking baby steps towards getting in shape. Being the 55-year-old grandma on Oprah who now wins national fitness championships is not my goal. My goals can be reached by eating a little less, cutting the fast food and trying to get to the gym at least twice a week. (Yeah, baby steps, people!)
Tonight’s baby step was “Step Aerobics”. The teacher entered the room. And rather than instantly hate her because she had this super fantastic tone little body (bet she’s won a few fitness championships in her day) and bouncing and behaving hair (that had the nerve to stay that way even towards the end of class), I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I mean she seemed so nice coming up to the new people in the class and introducing herself, telling us, “the intensity (of the class) is pretty high but the steps are easy”. HA! Little did I know she was a devil in disguise determined to kill us and her weapon of choice was house music and step aerobics.
As we bounced, stepped, turned, kicked, sweated and in some cases cried, I began to nurse a few of my own murderous thoughts. The teacher didn’t seem to see me glaring at her or at least she didn’t care. And if she heard me call her a “heifer” under my breath, she kept up with the same chipper “1-2-3-4”. Never mind the fact that she kept us past 7:15, the time the class was scheduled to end and didn’t release us for another torturous 4 minutes, I managed to stick it out for the whole class. That was enough to inspire some degree of pride. I know I didn’t execute all of the steps correctly but I like to think that the effort and sweat was enough to make some difference in my body shape.
The only problem is, as anyone who’s ever tried to lose weight knows, that it’s far easier to gain weight than to lose it. If life were fair, one workout would wipe out a day’s worth of calories. Heck, if life really wanted to treat you well, it would be worth two days. However, another lesson in growing older is that life is seldom fair and it’s going to take much more torture, I mean exercise, before I start noticing the difference. Yet, in the meantime, I can take pride in the fact that I’m doing the “right” thing and give myself a “holla” every now and then.

Is it hormones or what...? Maybe the heat...

2005-07-19T17:35:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's up with me today. Despite my little snub by the Romper Room crew at Bally's (see post below), I am feeling hot-to-trot. It's funny because with all the heat and humidity, my hair is not doing it's usual flowy-shiny thing. My skin has been a little oily but I am feeling myself right about now. I got a little switch in my walk and I ready to start dating. Heck I may even bite the bullet and do a match.com type of thing. IIn fact, I'm gonna sort through my photos and see if I can find a cute one to get someone to scan into the computer for me. I feel the need to have some dates. Nah, I'm not turning into a slut-puppy. I didn't say I gotta smooch on all of them. I just want the company of some cuties.

Other totally unrelated stuff, my computer is about to die. Scream...I had to re-boot it at least 3 times to get it to work right. It is 5 years old so it's about that time but damn I was trying to hold out on spending that money. I gotta find a good but inexpensive computer. I've been told to avoid Dell and go with HP. I'm open to suggestions.

Shake it Mamas!

2005-07-19T17:16:00.000-05:00

Speaking of mamas shaking it! I gotta give props to the Dove girls. Not just the ones in the lotion ad (who are getting all the press) but all of them. They (Dove) has got this real beauty campaign that has women who look good despite wrinkles, freckles, being flat-chested and skinny and big-boned (that' s pronounced bone-ded). Or maybe I shouldn't say despite, maybe I should say because of... but let me get back to the "big girls". First off, they are not that big. I'm smaller than them but they are smaller than a lot of chicks I know. Plus even with them having some curviness going on...they are look pretty and fresh and healthy. There's been a lot of press going on about them and our trashy paper (you know every city has a newspaper that's reliable and supposedly scholarly and one that's just a little trashy but not quite a tabloid) even had a he said/she said in it on the subject of the Dove girls, with most men saying they just didn't want to see those big girls. They wanted to see model-y types. Now I try to be open-minded (ha!) and respect the opinions of others (double ha! Nah-seriously I do) but I got to say to heck with that crap... One man even had the audacity to say the only place he wanted to see a thigh that big was in a bucket of chicken. Does it sound petty for me to say his by-line picture made him look rather troll like? Whatever! It' s time to see some people who look clearly happy with themselves and who look like real women (actually a little better than a lot of real women). All I can say is Dove, if y'all need another sista, one about 5'3 and 145, I'm ready for my close up!

Y'all know how I do...

2005-07-19T17:00:00.000-05:00

Damn, I think I'm recycling titles but so what...The y'all know how I do refers to how I don't write for days and then my mind is alllll over the place. So I never got a chance to write about the camping trip and I now I lost the flavor of what I wanted to say about it so I guess that last entry's just gonna be it. (I do that in my handwritten journal too.)
So anyway, let's go...with the new stuff...
Today I went to the gym. I went to get the class schedule so I could see what class I wanted to take tonight. As I stood outside yammering on my cell phone, 3 young dudes walked into the gym. Now mind you, I didn't think not one of them was cute and they were all at least 15 years younger than yours truly. Anyway, like I said I'm outside blabbing as they are going in and as they are going in, another woman is coming out. She's cute and as she walks out I see one guy check out her booty and another one tries to holla but she smiles and keeps steppin'. So I smile (smirk) and keep talking, then in the self-centered way that I have, I thought heyyyyyy, wait a minute, why isn't that my booty they are staring at. I got a cute booty, it's firmer than hers. I'm cute too! Oh vanity, thy name is Pam. But I would like a holla every now and again. I know that goes against my whole feminist don't treat me like a sex object thang but everybody likes a "Shake it Mama!" now and again.

Gee Mom, I wanna go but they won't let me go, gee mom I wanna go home...

2005-07-13T14:27:00.000-05:00

Remember that camp song? Well, I finally got around to blogging about my camp experience. However, please do not think that I am complainin' because I'm not. In fact I'm not complainin' for an entire week. (well trying not to but that's another subject) Anyway, back to camp. It was wonderful. Not the bugs and the dirt and the big ol' bruise on my knee but the girls. The girls were aged 8-18 (30 of 'em) and they were sweet and crazy and full of attitude and laughs and giggles and tears. I had no idea of the kind of crap they had dealt with in their lives or how strong and resilient they were.
Damn, gotta run to supervision (to be cont'd)

This morning's commute...

2005-07-08T10:13:00.000-05:00

Before I even get started, lemme give a little info on why some of my entries might seem a little different. Well, there will be my usual astute and pithy (read smart-alecky and sarcastic) observations on the nature of life and everything there in from "this morning's commute" to "Crazy-A Britney Spears" but some of my entries may read more like writing exercises...and that's cuz they are. I didn't get them from a book or anything. It's just that I'm trying to strengthen my writing muscles and regular day-to-day journaling while good is not enough.
So today's ramble is about the commute. I catch the train, "el", subway (yes I know an elevated train and a subway are a contradiction in terms but can I help it if part of the train line is elevated and part is underground)and it was 20 minutes late this morning for security reasons. Oh I am not complaining or ranting. If the City of Chicago, State of Illinois wants to protect my cute bee-hind, well have at it. So I saw a few more cops on the platform today and then we stopped to have a security check (which to be quite honest is something they were doing already). The only thing about this security check is I've often wondered how effective it is. There are 2-3 cops with a dog. I always thought he was a drug sniffing dog but for all I know he might be a bomb sniffing dog. Anyway, they walk along the platform and "mean-mug" everybody inside the train. Now, I don't know what they can see from that platform. Hell, I don't know what that dog can sniff from that platform. Shouldn't they actually get in the train and walk along the cars? Plus what happens if the dog smells something, does he leap into action and tear off someone's face? All of these are questions I need the answers to people!!! Okay, I'm calm again. Meds are kicking in. Everyone is a little on edge because of the London tragedy and today's the day I have to lug all my camping gear onto the train. So everyone is looking at me like okay what's with the chick with the rolled up blanket? Although to be honest, they probably would'a been looking like that anyway.

I'm so damn easy...

2005-07-07T13:15:00.000-05:00

You knew I would do it, didn't you Edward?

10 years ago... I was in the middle of my first master's degree program and teaching at a middle school in VA.

5 years ago... I was so excited about the prospect of moving to Chicago. HA!

1 year ago... I was starting a new job and thoroughly invigorated about the prospects.

Yesterday...I was feeling like a real live grown up who takes responsibility for her own choices.

Today... I'm tired as crap and have not an idea as to why.

Tomorrow... I'm supposed to go camping. Fun but I hate leaving my little racoon-looking kitty for longer than a day.

5 snacks I enjoy... icees, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, microwave popcorn and red licorice.

5 songs I know all the words to... Ooh, that's hard. Lemme get back to ya'.

5 reality television shows I watch... I think I've successfully weaned myself off of the reality TV but I used to watch Amazing Race,American Idol, the Apprentice and very much back in the day, Real World.

5 television shows I watch daily... nothing really even comes on daily but I guess I would say the news.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000... give money to loved ones, buy a home and travel, travel travel.

5 locations I would love to run away to... Carribean, Puerto Rico and Japan.

5 things I like doing... writing, cooking, reading, singing, talking to kids (not the little bitty ones).

5 things I would never wear... a weave, colored contact lenses, fake nails, liquid eyeliner. I can't put on the pencil kind.

5 recently seen movies I like... Crash, Millions...(darn, I haven't been to the movies in a while and the DVDs I've rented have sucked!)

5 famous people I'd like to meet... LL Cool J (well maybe not since he's married and he might not let me hump his leg), Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Rachael Ray (she's on the food channel), Nikki Giovanni (who I already met but want to talk to one on one) and Marianne Williamson.

5 biggest joys of the moment... the color seafoam blue, this book I'm reading, being calm, my job, practicing my writing.

5 people to tag...heck I don't know, whoever wants to...

Being only...

2005-07-06T10:07:00.000-05:00

There's a certain responsibility that comes with being an only child, particularly if you are the only child of a single parent. I'm not talking about making sure you get do well in school and get raves from how well mannered you are from all your elementary school teachers or staying out of jail because you alone are the sole representative of your family's good name. No, I'm talking about the responsibility you have for your parent.
Growing up, I felt an overwhelming need to make sure that my mother was happy. Afterall in the mind of any child, what other reason on earth could their parent have for joy, sorrow, hell exsistence even, than their child. Oh the egocentricity of it all-another side effect of being an only child (though I know many with sibs who have gone or are still going through the same). Anyway, thinking that my mom's sole reason for living was little ol' me put quite a weight on my shoulders. Should I go to the sleepover or will Mom be lonely? Never did it occur to me that Mom might actually want a little alone time...
However, now that I am older those pangs of responsibility and guilt have come back. I'm the child that never lived at home after graduating from college (well one summer but that doesn't count). I got a job offer 9 hours away and snatched it up like a relay runner waiting for the baton. It's been 14 or is it 15 years now and I'm still away from home. My mom used to make comments about me returning home but she's pretty much passed that torch onto my grandma. They just don't know how even though I miss them terribly, I just have no desire to live in that city again. Personally, I've always thought it would be great if my mom would pack up her things and live near me but you know how it is, she has a life and friends and all those other things. And even knowing she has things to make her life warm, cozy and full, I'm feeling that same weight I felt as a little kid.

I wish...

2005-07-05T13:50:00.000-05:00

I wish I was more internet savvy. I wish I knew how to upload links and pictures and hearts and flowers and everything else so I could say good-bye to Luther. Luther Vandross was one of those singers that I just took for granted. I liked his music, loved his voice even though I never ran out and bought a CD. The one time I saw him in concert was because he was performing with Anita Baker in concert. And now he is gone. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone? I did love his art soooooo...

here we go again...

2005-07-01T09:54:00.000-05:00

Rambling that is...
It occurred to me I never did give you guys the goods on the LL performance of last Friday. What can I say? Well, I'll start here. The man is beautiful. No, I"m serious. He is really beautiful. So much so that I didn't mind when he did all those pseudo-sexy things that would have annoyed me if it were anyone else licking his fingers or grabbing at his pants. (Wait, that doesn't sound right? He didn't do one right behind the other. I don't want y'all to get the impression my beautiful L is some type of freak) Or the ripping off of the shirt. Personally, I was kinda waiting on that part. He didn't really rap live, he did a lot of lip synch and prancing and every now and again he would do a verse live. So a virtuoso artistic triumph it was not, but some hot eye candy in the sun oh but it soooooo was! The only thing that was dumb and its probably just cuz I'm 36 was him wiping sweat off of himself onto several towels and throwing them into the audience where hoards of teens and I know some folks that had to be in their 20s were fighting over them. Now I like to think I wouldn't have fought over "L" sweat but if I had caught that Izod polo then I would have truly had to get into a scuffle if someone tried to rip it from me. Hmph!
On another note, I live in Chicago, home of the infamous R. Kelly and like any other city in the country, most of Chicago's residents take extreme pride in their hometown and their homeboys. Hey I will beat someone down if they try and talk about Detroit. However, when can we admit a flake is a flake? (I confess ahead of time that I stole this post idea from an EW columnist who was talking about Kelly's latest single "In the Closet"). There are people here who will swear up and down that "R" is a genius. And I'm like, huh? We aren't even going to get into his proclivities for 14 year olds cuz that is a whole nother subject. And maybe I'm wrong to question his musical skills as I have none and could not tell you if someone is hugely talented or not unless they are crazy musically talented like a Prince or crazy NOT muscially talented like a J. Lo. But what I do know is even if Bruh-man's got the music skills, he is lacking in the lyrics department and that is an area where I have every right to dog a brother. Anyone whose idea of a lyric is "you remind me of my jeep, I wanna wax it" needs to get to a poetry class quickly. But even with that, he at least shows some understanding of a metaphor but these latest narrations set to music that my friend calls "ghetto soap operas" are ridiculously. Take this one, "Listen Mr. Big. What you mean what's going on? What the hell is going on?" What the hell is that? And people are eating it up, buying it left and right and calling him a genius. Oooh, I gotta stop here I feel the vein in my temple throbbing. :(

thoughts just swirling around in my head...

2005-06-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

Why am I sitting at my desk eating carmel corn at 10:43 am? Now that's healthy isn't it? I thought eating breakfast first thing in the morning was supposed to help you feel fuller throughout the day. Whatever! I'm so damn hungry I could eat a cow. Also, why have I started cursing so much lately? Usually in my head. Is it some crazy form of mental Tourette's? I had to narc on a client well narc's the wrong word cuz it's not drug related but I had to tell her PO that she and grandma keep giving me the slip about these damned appointments. It just occurred to me as I was leaving a comment on another post that what if said client's grandma narcs on me about falling asleep (albeit for 10 seconds) on her? Damn, damn,damn!

I've had a line in my head. I get these lines that I think would work great in movies or stories or plays. Only thing is I never develop them. But anyway it goes a little sump'n like this...(and don't laugh if it sounds corny or cliche'd or trite). I'm working on it. I'm working on it...

When it occurred to her that the dreams she'd built for her life weren't going to come true, she'd swallowed it and decided to just suck it up and come up with a new dream; but when she saw everyone around her (including her ex-boyfriend) building the kind of lives she'd hoped to have, it drove her nearly insane with grief. And it was that very insanity that caused her to...

Say it isn't so... (I think I've used this title before so let's call it pt. 2 or 3)

2005-06-29T14:56:00.000-05:00

Anyway, I have discovered that I am a snob. My mother once accused me of this when I was younger and I vehemently denied it. I was offended and appalled. How dare she say such a thing. Me, Ms. Humanitarian 2005. Me, who sees the humanity in every one and believes like the great author O. Henry that everyone is someone worth getting to know. Well, that's all fine and dandy but it struck me that I've got some real pre-conceived notions about folks. Now, at my new job, I am as far removed from the affluent suburbs as you can get. I was told that I would be working in not so nice neighborhoods with juvenile offenders. And I have been more than a little concerned most particularly about my car. I also wondered what kinds of conditions I would find in these homes. Well, guess what? My little snobby butt was in for an eye-opening experience. Just cuz people don't have a lot of money doesn't make them "less than". The houses I've visited so far are cleaner and more well-kept than my little humble abode. You can tell the people that live their take pride in their homes. And it struck me that even though I'm in this so-called "helping" role, that doesn't put anyone underneath me. These people have the same hopes and dreams for their lives and the lives of their families as mine and yours. I know I'm rambling here but I'm trying to make a point (not very clearly I'm afraid). Oh hell, let me just say it plain. I thought I was going to find all kinds of dysfunction and foolishness and it's just not that way.
You know, I like what I do but I do have to say that folks in the so-called "helping" professions (teachers, social workers and the like-and I can say this because I have been both) are some of the snobbiest most judgmental people I know.

wow I can't believe it...

2005-06-28T22:06:00.000-05:00

My amazement comes at the fact that I actually did something productive today. I cleaned my front closet which might not sound like too much of nuthin' but damnit you don't know quite how dirty it was. And to be honest, I haven't even touched the two shelves on both sides where I keep my books and photo albums. I think what prompted this little cleaning spate is because I just feel so damn stuck. I mean what am I doing while I am here on the planet. I don't want this to sound like a downer because I'm not truly having a pity party. I'm more just being reflective. The first time I felt like this was not long after I graduated undergrad. I was like that was good but what do I work towards now...so then there was grad school and it was like fantabulous but then I found out that my degree was just a pitiful piece of non-accredited paper that didn't qualify me to do what I wanted which gave me something else to work toward...another degree which finally got me to the point where I could do the kind of work I wanted. It also got me a buttload of student loans that I'll be paying off into my 80s. But now here I sit wandering what the hell I work towards now. I'm not going to school just to feel I have another goal to run after. My dream trite as it may sound has been to have a family but I just don't feel there's anything I can do about that one. I mean I can't tackle some man and say Marry me, you fool! And even if I wanted to go to the sperm bank right about now, I'd feel a little selfish and I don't have the money to raise a child right...and thinking about adopting and foster care well that's in a holding pattern too because I just can't afford it right now. So I just feel damnit stuck and I feel stupid for being stuck at 36. Okay, I'm sorry now I am getting a little pitiful I suppose. I just need to find my dream and I'll be damned if I know what it is.

I have been editing novels for the past six months or so. And I have been so damn harsh, with good reason, the stuff I've been reading sucks...but I can't help but envy these dudes at the same time. At least they sat down and devoted their time to something. They stepped out there and did something. My friends keep telling me I should write but I don't have any stories to tell and I don't think I'd be able to do a good job of it. I'm more concerned about the first part. What do I do? How do I discover my dream?

Am I a good friend...?

2005-06-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

Keep in mind the only answer to that question is yes. I ask though because I know I could be a better friend. Okay, let me tell y'all what's up. A friend of mine is in a happy new relationship. In fact this is my best friend. She has been talking about wanting to be in a relationship for the last 4 years or so. And I mean talking ad nauseum. So she met someone and while I am happy for her...no really I truly am...I also have my own feelings of envy, of unfulfilled longing...etc. So I say all that to say that I don't want to talk about her new man in every conversation we have. I'm not saying that girl should act like he doesn't exsist. I'm not saying that she can't bend a sister-girl's ear when she's got something that she wants to share but to give me "updates" is more than I really want right now and I told her so. Now, I think that she's a good enough friend that she will understand where I'm coming from with this and that she will be respectful of my wishes but I do feel the teensiest twinge of guilt for not indulging her in all of her giddiness. It's a little goofy because when I am seeing someone, I feel like I've almost kept it a secret in the past because I didn't want her to feel blue or alone but then there have been times when I was like why the hell am I doing this why can't we share in each other's happiness and here I am telling her to keep her happiness to herself. Welllll...not exactly... I'm more telling her share but just not too much but that doesn't make me a bad friend! No matter what...

My super...

2005-06-22T15:26:00.000-05:00

As in supervisor, not building superintendent. She's cool people. She's young and I think she is younger than me but today she did something that threw me. I have become semi-buds with the cubicle (oop, I mean alcove) dweller right next to me. Semi-buds means we chew the fat and eat lunch together and talk about where to find the cheapest parking. Well, we were talking about where to get lunch and here comes my super. She starts with some stuff about work which is all in well fine. Then she asks if I figured out where I was going to eat. I say no because I really haven't. Then doggone it if she doesn't invite herself to eat with me and my other co-worker. It was okay but it's always a little odd to "hang" with the boss. I feel like my super feels a little ostracized. I already learned that two of my fellow workers have issues with her, issues that I think they need to get the crap over but then what do I know considering I've been here all of 9 days. Well, anyway we're eating and not really letting out hair down because you always want to seem a little on guard with the boss and not act too much of the clown. But oh well...I feel a little sorry for my boss in some ways. She doesn't seem to fit in with the other bosses and she probably didn't feel like she was fitting in with us too well either. It's lonely at the top. Now just let me get there so I can see for myself! ;)

Riding on the "El" or the "L"...

2005-06-22T14:47:00.000-05:00

The "El" is the elevated train system in Chicago. Parts of it are elevated and parts are subway. The part that I have to board is a subway. I am alternately amused and disgusted by riding the train to work. Right now I am honeymooning with the train because it's summer and standing on the platform waiting for it is fun and I can use the time to read my newspaper or magazine. I can make up funny back stories on strangers...like that guy with the lavender pants and shirt ensemble complete with sandals that show off the fact that he is wearing a toe ring (with a damn chain from the toe to his foot) has just got to be a pimp. The young boy with the cornrows braided to the back of his head who is "mean muggin'" (that is slang for looking at people angrily) everyone is actually an honors student at the magnet school that is a stop on the "El"'s blue line train that I catch. The woman with the suitcase is leaving her husband for the fifth time and on and on...you know how the imagination game goes. I catch the el when I don't have clients that I need to go see because the cheapest parking you can find downtown is 9 dollars a pop and if I'm not getting reimbursed then I will stay my butt on the train.
And for as much as I am enjoying the train right now, I know in the winter, I will be pitchin' a fit. Because winter in Chicago is no joke and I will be freezing my ass off and it will be too cold to be imagining too much of anything about anybody. Plus it was in the cooler months that I once saw a rat in the subway tracks. My friend who was visiting from NY said I should just be grateful he wasn't on the platform but for some reason, that was very little comfort. Plus in the winter some people decide the stairs to the subway make a good makeshift lavaratory (Nasty tails! Although to give Chicago credit, you don't see a whole lot of that.)
But right now while I'm honeymoonin', I'll enjoy my little games and my subway entertainment. You can find everything from singers, to Michael Jackson impersonators, to a violinist (who was actually the jam). In fact, there was a guy there two days ago who was singing a horrible song which consisted of the same 4 words in different keys "This is my liffffffeeeeee". Rather poignant, don't you think and if not poignant, at least good for a hoot! Especially, when he chided the audience for not giving him some applause.

all over the friggin' map...

2005-06-22T14:24:00.000-05:00

As usual I'm on a ramble...

Did you ever notice how good it feels when you finally tell somebody what you're really thinkin', when you freakin' go off if you need to. If you haven't tried it, you really should. It's a blast. See, I've been goofin' with this boy. I may have blogged about him previously. He was the one that was all about the "booty" and I have been very tempted to oblige him in his "booty" quest even though I know that he and I are not on the same page, that he never shows any real interest in me as a person and that it would be a very momentary fling. What can I say, he caught me at a very vulnerable moment in life? I love that word... vulnerable. It makes me feel so very in need of rescuing. Anyway, he caught me at this time, plus I have hints that he might be quite skilled. But of course I want more and so on and so forth. Lately, he has been acting like a real jerk! And I had been tossing and turning at night and wondering what I should say and what I shouldn't say, when finally it came to me. Heck, just say what you want! Who cares! So I let him know exactly how I felt he was acting. And he gave one of those patented guy responses that I never have to hear from another guy as long as I live and it won't be soon enough. He said..."Why are you trippin'?" Screammmmmmmmm!Hearing those words makes my brain bleed. Yeah, I'm being dramatic but so what. Anyway, I let him know that I was not his 2 am booty call and that he needed to act like I was more than a piece of tail. To which he responded that he couldn't be acting like I was a piece of butt because he had yet to get "any". There's some flawed logic for ya'. To which I very maturely responded, "What-eva!" So he still called but I decided instead of responding to him, to take my beehind to sleep and I did just that more restfully than I had in a few nights I might add.

Next item...I have learned to play tennis. And now I am too excited. I went with a friend and put my hair in two pigtails (what's the difference between a pig tail and a pony-well maybe it was pony tails) to look like a black Tracy Austin. I know all you youngins who read this blog have no idea of who the heck I'm talking about but anyway that's who I was trying to look like. I figured hey if I can't play well, I can at least look like I can and fake my opponents out. Well, I didn't fake them out but I wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought I would be, so YAY me! Now I just gotta find a regular partner.

I hate having a cube instead of an office. You can't really hide what you're typing in a cube and people always walk up behind you all the time. Grrrrr... It's partly because this is more alcove than cube it's 3 walls and an opening. But I ain't complainin' because I'm still happy to have a new job.

Lastly (for the moment at least), LL is coming to town as in LL Cool J. He is the opening act for Taste of Chicago and I can't get any of my sorry girlfriends to come meet me down here to go see him. It's free dernit! I have one "friend" who is willing to meet to see him but she can be such a pain in the tail that I don't know if I feel like being bothered. I tell you what I do know. I know I want to get close enough so that when he takes off that shirt I can tell if he has freckles on his chest... Ay,Mama!

yeah rrrrriiiiiigggght...

2005-06-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

I'm addicted to "lists". Apparently so is half of America because there is always some show on about the 10 best TV comedies or 100 best movie songs or some other such bullshtuff and while I'm trying to wean myself from pop culture so I can adopt a morally superior stance, here I sit typing and looking at TVland's top 10 TV romances. I may have to switch it off though because I'm so against there number 10 choice "Samantha" and "Darrin" from Bewitched. Now don't get me wrong I loved Bewitched and esp. Elizabeth Montgomery but wasn't part of the whole basis of their romance that he was always trying to get her to change. To deny her witchly "heritage" and be human. Okay maybe I'm reading too much into this. But daggone it, I'm crampy and bored and HOT!

hot and sweaty...

2005-06-08T20:53:00.000-05:00

and that's not in a good way. I freakin' hate summer! Okay let me not say that cuz it ain't true. I like longer day light hours. I like the Chicago events like festivals and summer dance and wearing cute clothes that flash a little flesh. What I hate is 89 degrees and humidity and sitting in my freaking vintage apartment with only a window unit air conditioner and ceiling fan to keep me cool and allergies. I always use to say that I like winter best cuz you can put on tons of warm fluffy sweaters and get warm but in the heat you can sit up here bare butt naked and your ass is still hot! And it's only damn June 8th!

New job, new job...

2005-06-08T07:15:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was my last day at the old job...and today is my first day at the new job. Jeez, I hope I like it. A handful of people at my old job kept saying they hoped I would be happy at my new one. They said it in that way that lets you know they know how fricking unhappy you were at the old job... And damnitall I was wayyyyyy unhappy there. Then I thought about my internship at the PD and how my supervisor made the same comment about how I seemed unhappy there and it just got me to thinking have I ever had a job where I was happy. I usually start off rather gung-ho but then it gets goofy. Although to be honest, at this last job it started off a little goofy. Right after the first interview but anyway now I'm going someplace new and I already have a couple reservations. I mean the idea of driving around all day can get old... I'm pretty sure I won't have a nice pretty office like I used to because we are usually in the field all day. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time, there's always monster.com. But back to the "happy" thing. Am I just impossible to satisfy? Actually, I can count one job where I was pretty happy and that was when I was doing a "pull-out" program in the schools. It was flexible. I had autonomy and it allowed me to be super creative. Plus I had fantastic school hours. That's what I need. That and a whole heap o' money. Suggestions, folks?

what's up with that...

2005-06-08T07:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to the UPS station to pick up a package and I handed the guy my license. He looks at it and then looks at me. He says you look like a baby on here... What the crap?! So I look like a baby compared to what... How do I look now? I have to admit I do get giddy at the fact that folks say I don' t look my age. I mean most people put in my 20s even though I'm over 35. And I always say, rather vainly I might add, that I don't mind getting old as long as I don't look old... And that's partly true. I mean I shouldn't look old at 36. Now I wouldn't go the botox route. Have you seen some of those chicks (and men too)? I mean look at Nicole Kidman. Day-um. She was so pretty and now she looks like a mannequin with a protruding forehead. Vivica Fox looks crazy too. I think I could happily grow old gracefully...just don't let it happen too fast!

why?

2005-05-27T08:21:00.000-05:00

Why are a lot of women ashamed to call themselves "feminists"? Why is that word saddled with an ugly connotation? It seems like one of those things where people who are not being treated equally are ashamed to stand up and say, "Damnit! I'm not being treated equally. And I'm gonna get my rights!" I am black and I am a woman and I'm surprised that in both groups, sometimes we are so quick to try to dissociate ourselves from who and what we are. It's like we buy into all the negative images that we are fed about both groups. I have girlfriends who take pride in saying... I don't like women. I never have felt comfortable with women. And there's nothing wrong with that if that's your truth. But I'm like damn! That's sad. Well, guess what?? I'm not in the least bit shy or ashamed. I'm a woman and I love it! I like being verbal and chatty and emotional. I like that I get cranky as hell once a month. I like being soft and hard all at once. I like throwing my hands on my hips and rolling my neck. There's so much to love about being a woman. And I like being able to have a seat in the bathroom (not the public ones though!) Okay, I kinda got off the whole feminist bent but that's okay.

night time visit...

2005-05-27T08:18:00.000-05:00

So boyfriend came by yesterday and guess what, he was a perfect gentleman. Damn, damn, damn! Seriously though I'm just kidding. When he left I felt good that nothing happened. I did give Bruh-man a mini-backrub (clothes ON) and he reciprocated which was nice with my knotted up shoulders. And he did give a gooooooooood hug before he left but no sugar was exchanged. Surprisingly, that was more than enough.

Sex on the brain...

2005-05-26T08:12:00.000-05:00

Seems that's all I can talk about these days, huh? Oh well. I work with a 15 year old girl. Not the cutter, the one I mentioned who is mad at me for leaving my job. She wanted to have a real talk yesterday. She asked me how old was I when I first had sex and lots of other personal stuff. Now this is not unusual for therapists. And we are supposed to remain detached and not disclose such personal things. The academically correct response I should have given her was probably something like..."You seem very curious about me, Katie. Why do you want to know?" But I already know why she wants to know. She wants to know how I feel about what she is doing. And is she doing the right thing by sleeping with almost every boy she knows. So I pretty much told her this...that sex brings a lot with it (physically, emotionally, psychologically) and that I would love for her to really like someone and have them really like and respect her before she decides to give them herself. Hell, I tried not to lecture because I could give a whole treatise on the subject and excuse me if I sound prudish or preachy. But doggone it, it took me a long time to figure out where I was and how I felt about the whole thing and I want to share. Ooh, that sounded real AA didn't it? But I digress... When I look at the list of folks I've been intimate with (sounds better than screwed), there are a few I wish I could take off and not just because they ended up being asses (like hateful boy who I went out with last-in fact I wouldn't take him off because I thought about it before I slept with him and I did really like him and care about him--I was just a poor judge of character) but I would take off those folks I had flings with or one-night stands because it didn't mean anything and half the time it wasn't even fun. We all have physical needs but I came to a point where I just want mine met by someone I care about, like, love, respect and they feel the same about me. It's taking a damn long time for that person to get here but I like to think I'm willing to wait. Only time will tell.

Gettin' some...

2005-05-26T07:54:00.000-05:00

There are some men that know how to get some and some who well don't... Take boyfriend I mentioned in the previous blog. He is one who doesn't. How are you going to just pop up after being MIA for several months and be like "You're sexy. Can I get some?" The only reason my horn-dogging butt is even entertaining letting him "feel me up" (cuz he ain't getting all the goods) is because I'm bored and lonely and did I mention horn-doggin'.
I think the problem is that women don't make a lot of guys work for what they want. So they (the men) can just wink and eye and crook a finger and they've got girls lining up to drop their drawers. Heck, when I was in my 20s I would do anything (not for sex) but for attention and affection (ooh, let me amend that to "almost" anything). I would drive to this dude's house at 1 in the morning and basically deliver myself up on a platter. Hell, he had it good. It was like Pizza Hut!
But these days I'm a little older and a little wiser and I want a little more (no a LOT more) than a wink and a smile and a piece of booty. But back to my original thesis, men don't have to work for tail these days. They just expect it to fly off the shelf. Now while I respect a brother's honesty to let you know that he is not about a relationship and he really just wants some hot steamy time with you there's still a way to finesse that. A little charm goes a long way toward getting what you want. A little thoughtfulness will make a woman jump your bones quicker than just a "hey sexy".
In my younger, wilder, stupider days...I used to tell this story (a true one I read in Reader's Digest or some such rag). A man met a woman at the grocery store. They chatted and talked and laughed. He asked her on a date. She said yes. He comes to her house with a lovely wrapped package. She's all like..."For me?" He laughs and says "Well, sort'a". She opens the package to find a small box of dog food. It is the same brand she buys for her dog. He had scoped it out in her cart and bought her an extra for her little puppy. Now don't you know that man would have had my legs wrapped around his neck by the end of the night. Okay so that may be a bit crude of me to say but at the time it was true. Or at least close to it.
Anyway, I rest my case. If boyfriend of previous post still want to get further than a smooch, he needs to come a little stronger than he is.

Excuse me if I ramble...

2005-05-26T07:38:00.000-05:00

I can't help my rambling. My mind can't stick to one subject for more than 3 minutes at a time. I read a study in Psychology Today that said our technologically advanced society full of ipods and remote controls and super-speedy internet has shortened our attention span, dulled our creativity and made us used to instant gratification. Good! Now I have an excuse!
Moving on...my class is taking a test and I'm sitting here typing blogs instead of checking their papers or any of the other productive things I could be doing. Oh well... tough noogies, I'm ti-yerd and don't feel like really working yet. And why the hell did I give them an essay test. I know I'm not going to feel like reading this crap. I just hate making multiple choice though. My M-C tests are too damn easy and true/false test always seem like I'm just trying to trick the students or play with their minds. So it's short answer and essay. This is actually more short answer but you always get a percentage of students who want to try and impress you by writing a page on one question. Geez!
Other stuff...boy toys...there's this boy (my mom says I need to quit referring to men as boys--I am after all over 30, damn closing in on 40 but never mind that). There's this boy. We used to flirt until I got tired of flirtin' with him because he wasn't trying to be about doing anything but getting some booty (excuse my French) and I wasn't trying to give him any. So we kind'a fell out of touch. Anyway, he just re-appeared and he is on the same BS he was on before. Only this time he caught me at a vulnerable time period where I could use some good huggin' and kissin'. Problem is...I know me. I know that either we will get to touchin' and feelin' and huggin' and kissin' and then I will either a) start trying to make it into something it isn't or b) get irritated if he's no good at it. At any rate, it doesn't matter because I may have messed it up already. He sent me a flirty text and I flirted back. Then his butt didn't respond. So heck, I went to bed. Yeah, I know it was 10:15 but I had to get up at 5 am and my butt has been so damn tired. (Freaking 7 am English class!) So he calls and I'm all like WHAT!!?? I can be pretty nasty when I am awakened esp. when I have just drifted off. So he got off the phone pretty quick and while I was laying there (or is it lying there) debating if I should call him back and have him come by or me go there, I fell right back into a deep slumber. Dern it, I could have at least got some sugar out of the deal. Oh how I need some sugar right about now! ; )

can I just tell y'all?

2005-05-23T16:00:00.000-05:00

Look at all this stuff I have to do. I wrote it up to discuss it with Gail (my supervisor) and see how to prioritize it and brainstorm how to work through it. She told me that Dan (my predecessor) had to do all of these things and this is what she expected of a professional person. Then she went on to say that Dan had put in over time. I told her that I am already 10 hours over and will not be doing more overtime but I didn't voice it in that stank tone. To her credit she took items 16 and 17 and farmed out #9. But I am still heated because the main one that needs assistance and I told her as much was #10. Where is the integrity in me auditing my own files. I don't want to leave on a bad note but if I'd don't get all this crap finished in 80 hours, then it just ain't getting done! Ooh, I'm about heated!

The following items are things I need to accomplish prior to leaving WYO:

Get office “office-ready” for the person to fill this position (which includes; organizing files, cleaning bookshelves, desk and file cabinets).

See clients and engage in termination and transfer with them.

Update new therapists on transferred cases.

Update final notes on non-CCBYS cases.

Report to WYFS discrepancies in their reporting.

Do May MSR report and tracking report.

Update progress notes on 4-5 clients.

Do transfer summaries for all cases that are to be closed.

Review accuracy of hours on cases from other therapists. This includes: interns at our site and Laurie’s. This is a total of about six cases.

Review accuracy of hours on my cases. This includes 25 cases.

Organize files that have already been checked.

Complete assessments on at least two cases.

Take one final shift on the crisis pager.

Make sure all YASI information is updated and ready to be transferred to whomever will be assuming these duties until a replacement is located.

Clean client files from the computer.

Respond to any crisis calls that come in during 8:30-5pm

Contact all school social workers and other collaterals including other DYSC agencies that I have worked with via mail or email and let them know that I will be leaving WYO and who they should contact in case of emergency.

must every little thing happen at once... (I guess so!)

2005-05-19T07:51:00.000-05:00

As you guys know, I have a new job. (Yay, me!) I'm glad to be leaving the old one but my biggest concern is the new one isn't a step up. In pay, it's about the same which I think is too low but my work load will be lighter. In responsibilities, it's a step back. I would just be doing therapy instead of coordinating the program but I don't mind that too much because if I'm going to be a program coordinator, then I want to be coordinating a program that I'm genuinely invested in. But all of that really is not the subject of this post. The real subject of this post is that I'm EX-freaking-hausted!!

Let's see what all is going on... I can't just wrap up at my old job because we've got an audit going on which is causing me to review everyone's files in my program and try to get my files together too. Then I gotta tell my clients I'm leaving which is hard esp. this little 15 year old who I've gotten quite attached to--we went through her pregnancy scare together and other drama. Unfortunately, I don't know if she learned anything from me, she's still doing the same stuff that was getting her in trouble in the first place (but I digress). Anyway, that's my full-time job.

My editing--I've got two manuscripts to get through, one is due in less than two weeks. The other end of June.

My teaching--We've got two or three weeks of class left and they just handed in paper one. Paper two is coming in a week and a half. YIKES!

Calgon take me the freak away!!!!!!!

geez oh peet!

2005-05-16T14:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've been MIA for a little bit but it's only cuz I got a new job and we're in the midst of this audit but I'll be bah-ck people... I'll be bah-ck...

You gotta see this...

2005-05-08T18:37:00.000-05:00

I went to go see the movie Crash. Loved it. It was one of those movies that made me like just sit there after it was over. I don't want to even try to explain it. I just want people to log on and tell me what they think and then I'll add my thoughts... Go see it y'all, I'm not kidding. It got some bad reviews and I'm going to log on to those to see what the hell they were talking about. Personally, I thought the writing was good and the acting was great as well. Even the little minor storylines just added to the overall theme. Okay, sorry I said I wasn't going into all that right now.

Just gotta get this out...

2005-05-04T17:40:00.000-05:00

This job can just make you cry sometimes. I work with a cute little teenaged girl. She's funny and nice and constantly joking about what's going on in her life, the fact that she loves Jesse McCartney (yeesh!) and that her brother's friends are super hot! She's kind and sweet and I can tell that she uses her bubbliness to cover up the fact that a lot of stuff really hurts her. So she tells me that she's been thinking about "cutting"-- something she used to do quite frequently and that she has not done in some time. And she lets loose with the fact that a friend of hers has been doing it recently. So I tell her that it concerns me that she thinks more about doing it when her friends are all talking about it. When the hell did this become a "trend" or the "in-thing" to do. Hell, when I was in high school umpteen years ago, the thing was florescent shirts and stirrup pants. Yes--I am a child of the 80s. But anyway, some kids (and I'm counting my client in this number) do it because they are in some serious pain and others hear about it and are like wow let me try it... I just want to cry right now thinking about how much you've got to be hurting to do that. I think I also really want to cry because when I told my client that I might need to share what she told me (and I can't because I'm bound by confidenti-freaking-ality--it's all tied up in that it's not her that hurting herself, it's her friend and I can't report on the friend) that she got the most frightened look in her eyes and looked as if she were about to cry so I got scared that she was going to go home and cut herself to deal with the anxiety of whether or not I was going to snitch. Hell, she probably won't even want to come back now b/c she won't know if she can trust me. Damn, damn, damn! (as Florida Evans would say)

Sometimes...

2005-05-04T16:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm socially inept. I'm not looking for no encouragement y'all. And I'm not beating myself up either. Socially inept might be a bit too strong. But I guess I just wonder sometimes, if it's just me. Lemme explain. Today we had a little lunch thing for the graduating interns. We all sat at a long table and ate and chatted. It was kinda dry and yawn inducing. Then people started talking and joking (it was a group thang--not really separate conversations) and everyone was laughing and tee-heeing and I just sat there like a stone thinking, this is so phony. And then I thought well maybe it's not phony, maybe they are genuinely enjoying each other so the big million dollar question I ask myself is why am I not enjoying this, why am I not chiming in with my own antedotes and hilarious stories. I just don't feel like I fit in. It's not a bad thing. It's not like I'm wanting to and I'm being kept out. I just wonder what's going on. It's not like I dislike the folks I work with. I just don't feel a connect. I've always said I'm very choosy about the folks I let in my circle and I am but I wonder do I keep myself at a distance as a defense mechanism. And when I do it am I missing out on some really good folks? Cocky as it sounds I kinda doubt it...

I'm taking a break, dern it!

2005-05-03T15:53:00.000-05:00

I don't know how the guy who had this job before me did it. I just had to write up all of who saw what case and had what file. And my list is more than quadruple the case load of anyone else. I mean they have like 5/6 cases tops. In some cases they only have one or two. Now granted I'm only looking at their cases on the "runaway grant". I have 25 frigging cases. That's 25 people to see, keep in mind that that's only for my runaway caseload. I still have other cases like the married couple, the cutest little girl in the world, the family that's too rich to go on the runaway case load and the kids that are too low risk to be on the runaway case load. Not only that but I have to coordinate the crisis pager, carry the crisis pager and coordinate this assessment that we have for all three sites. Plusssssss, I do the monthly service reports and do memos to say how the runaway program is doing. Okay I know I'm the program coordinator but DAAAANNNNGGGGG! I should be making 10k more than I currently am doing. And I'm for real on that! Let me take a deep breath and go back to my report.

This is some bull--well you know the rest...

2005-05-02T12:34:00.000-05:00

They are getting ready to conduct a time-screen on my position. I have been told this is something they are required to do annually but have just decided to do now. Am I being paranoid or am I legit in questioning hmmm...how funny is it that the powers that be have decided this is something that is so all-fired important at this point in time? Ugh!!!

Okay new rule...

2005-05-02T09:07:00.000-05:00

I've got a new rule. I can not "blog" until a period of 48 hours has passed because my fickle bee-hind just changes directions every time the wind blows. For example, Friday's concerns/crush on cutie pie poet guy. I've talked to him on the phone a couple times (I cleared it with Mike.) and come to find out, ol' boy is a serious conservative with poor conversation skills. Okay, so can I say I'm not feeling him anymore? I'm starting to think the guy I'm interested in meeting is a figment of my imagination. I'm not saying that a brother has to be perfect...just funny, attractive, good table manners, hell good manners all the way around, intelligent, good conversationalist and honest and faithful and true. Not too much to ask. At least I don't think so.

I don't even know what to title this one...

2005-04-30T09:49:00.000-05:00

I went out with a friend of mine yesterday. This is a guy that I met through a mutual friend about 3 or 4 months ago. Anyway, Mike and I have been hanging out off and on for all of this time. We made out once (geez that sounds high school but it's the only way I can indicate fooling around without actually having sex). At any rate, since then he's never attempted to try anything and I'm quite okay with that because I'm not feeling him that way (no pun intended). But he's good people and we laugh a lot when we hang out. He can bug the crap out of me and I'm sure the feeling is mutual because he plays around too much and I fuss too much and that doesn't make for the best combo. Anyway, we're hanging and kidding and he says let's go over to my friend Tone's house. So I'm like ooh, Ton' Loc. Okay so I wasn't really like that but I have to throw in some humor before my moment of shame.
So we're hanging and Ton' is funny and charming and cute. And I'm kinda digging him and I'm like uhhhh, what is this. Then he starts flirting and asking real pointed questions like am I going out with Mike and I say "NO!" a little too enthusiastically. And he continues with this flirting and I'm feeling a little awkward and looking at Mike and waiting to see what his reaction is and how he is going to respond. And he does nothing, no change of expression, nada. Then he even joins in on the joking and saying that Ton' is a foot man and he likes sucking toes... Okay... Then Ton' starts reading me some poems he wrote (Bruh man fancies himself a poet). And now I'm totally digging him and he is standing a little close and I'm starting to sweat. So I gave him my number. And I feel really weird about it. Should I feel weird? Should I ask Mike if that was okay? I don't know. I feel so socially immature but I just don't know. Yeesh!

it's Friday...long tired sigh...

2005-04-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

I am so happy that it's Friday but I am so tired. I'm all over the freaking place but that is nothin' new. Let's start with some stuff that is bugging me and I'm not entirely sure why. Okay here goes, I think that some people in my life think they can just talk to me however the hell they want. I thought I'd done a good enough job letting people know that crap won't fly but obviously not. I was talking to one of my sorority sisters who I've been out of contact with for a number of years. She asked how I like Chicago and I paused as I always do when people ask me that and I said that I was still adjusting. I am. Heck, sorry can't say that I've fallen in love with the Chi. I miss DC and the pretty East Coast and fresh fruit. But I didn't even get all into that. She immediately began quizzing me as to what I didn't like etc. And I told her but I mostly stressed the fact that since being here I just haven't made the connection to people and things. She went off...okay she didn't really go off but she starts getting real blame-y and finger pointy and all "well if you don't get out, you won't like the city, you can't blame the city. No one is going to come knocking on your door." I'm like Wha--? She continues..."maybe the city isn't the place for you, maybe you should move..." Wha--? Excuse me, do you know me well enough to trip like that...? Oooh, I don't get people. I could see if I had gone off on the city and you felt offended because you've lived here for nine years. Nah--even then I couldn't see it. I just didn't like her tone. Like I was the dumb little kid and she knew better. Yick!

Other stuff... I've been at work about an hour and I can't get motivated. Never mind, I've got work up the wazoo. But I was going to do a beautiful people list (in honor or maybe in protest of People's 50 most beautiful but I can't come up with but a few people). So let me give you my list of people who are "Blazin' Hot":

Salma Hayek

Nona Gaye (oh my goodness, this woman is gorgeous)

John Mayer (another odd sexy choice)

Gael Garcia Bernal

Boris Kodjoe (probably spelled wrong)

Djimon Hounsou (ooh, baby-baby)

People look at me strange and feel my forehead whenever I say this but Bokeem Woodbine's got a real sexiness to him. I know he's weird looking but I don't care. He's hot!

the job hunt...

2005-04-25T21:03:00.000-05:00

Okay y'all this job hunt stuff is no joke. I got a call for an interview today but what the hell they are trying to pay pennies. I'm not taking a pay cut esp. not one that damn sizable. Gosh, it can be so damn discouraging. I just have to remember what I'm worth and not settle for less. Damn, you can apply that to so many things.

the nature of happiness and all that other stuff...

2005-04-21T15:16:00.000-05:00

Just read Edward's post talking about new found giddiness and I love giddy. I had a good giddy moment this morning in the car singing some old "Time" stuff, the song "Cool". Love me some Morris Day-well really the band more than him- but still. Anyway, the giddy effect has worn off but I'm just feeling calm. I had been worrying my ass off about that damn job and now I'm just like cool. It' s like I'm breathing easier. I likes me some easy-breathing.

Other stuff I've stolen from other people's (okay just Grace's) blog. I internet love you if...
(I only got 2-I'm a cheap date!) 1. You use ellipses. 2. You make me smile. I'm humpin' your leg if you make me laugh. Oh one more, one more 3. You just go out of your freakin' way to encourage someone you never even met! (That's a shout out to all my bloggin' buds.)

what really messes me up...

2005-04-20T13:19:00.000-05:00

What really messes me up if I didn't mention it before is the fact that I blew my own shot at the job. Damn, he caught me off guard with that stupid, how do you get along with your supervisor question? GROWL!

well y'all...

2005-04-20T12:56:00.000-05:00

Well, y'all I didn't get the job. And I can deal with that...Hell I have to deal with that. But what I'm trying to say is that I'm not super crushed. Don't get it wrong though, I'm sad. Hell who turns their nose up at a pay raise of that size (SIZ-A-BLE!!) and we all know that my current job sitch is not giving me serious glee! However, aside from the moo-lah and the opportunity to lick my tongue out at my boss and say heyyyyyy I'm outty, it wasn't really necessarily something I was overly interested in doing. So, as the French say, c'est la vie! I'm still looking though!

TMI...

2005-04-18T11:46:00.000-05:00

We are living in a world where we are just subjected to too damn much information. Today, I was lazing around trying to avoid going to work as I am prone to do on Mondays. And had my Jon Stewart and Oprah moment skewered by an ABC News Special Report. I'm all for the special report if something special has happened, you know a major death, the start of war, so on and so forth, you get the picture. However, this was to let us know that the start of the conclave for choosing a new pope had begun. Ooooookkkkkaaayyy, didn't y'all just tell me this at 7 a.m. on Good Morning America. Why is it important for me to watch all the cardinals walk up and looked like they were signing some book? And it wasn't likeTom Brokaw (whoops he's on NBC) was giving me new information, he was just making comments that were not important. So naturally, I tune him out and start my own inner monologue. "Here we have three guys in really tall hats walking very slowly. One is carrying a golden staff, one is ...." Well, heck my monologue was just as tedious as what was really being said. Big yawn. Call me back when they have decided who it's going to be and they are letting up the big puff of white smoke. I worried about being sacriligious (I can't spell that word.) But hey, it's no more offensive than these guys talking about each cardinal's chances of being pope like its the world's greatest beauty pageant. Well, he's got a good chance because he's like this and he's like that. And then one commentator called himself making a joke "Well, the Catholic church is against cloning, so we won't have another John Paul." Wow, I bet he stayed up all night thinking up that one.
Anyway, I'm mad because I kinda dig Jon Stewart.
More on TMI...who cares if Britney's baby is a girl? When is this chick's 15 minutes of fame going to be OV-AH! At least Madonna did stupid stuff to keep her in the news. Britney does what gets married and gets pregnant. Wooooowwww, there's something that doesn't happen to more talented people. There is no air of mystery anymore. Wow, it just hit me as I was typing about how people live on reality tv and webcam, that some might say the same thing about blogs... Ummm....let's see how do I rationalize this one. Welllllll...I don't. It's not the same thing, webbing is building community and making commentary...so there! That's all I have. If anyone can come up with a better rationalization, I'll take it. : )

Advice y'all?

2005-04-14T21:13:00.000-05:00

This week was hard. I was especially hating my job. I think one reason was because I interviewed for this other job and I got my hopes up even though I kinda bombed the first part of the interview. I got my hopes up because the woman running the show asked me to do step 2, which was send in a writing sample. Now I figured that would seal the deal because is there's one thing I can do is write. I sent the sample last Friday and I heard not a word this week. So I call the place and she says she never got my samples and asked me to send them again. Well, that was Wednesday and still no word. Do I call her tomorrow or do I wait until Monday?

To guilt-trip or not to guilt-trip...

2005-04-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

I felt a little guilty earlier today but now I'm over it...well sorta. A good friend (well sorta) called me tonight in some serious distress. He has a friend camping out over at his place. She's got some serious problems going on and she has no where that she can turn. So he's desperately looking for someplace to put her up because he said her living with him is just not a good idea. I don't know what that all means but suffice it to say it's not a good sitch. Well, he was calling me because he knows I'm a social worker and he was wondering if I knew of any shelters or any place like that where she could go... Unfortunately I don't. I specialize in knuckle-headed kids and their equally knuckle-headed parents. But I told him I'd put some feelers out to see what was out there. That's not the issue though. He was saying that because of the state she is in that she really needs some counseling and he wanted to know if I would talk to her.

I basically told him I'd have to think about it which was just me postponing saying no. And hearing how at his wit's ends my friend sounded and knowing how he was there for me when I had my surgery I felt so damn bad. I feel like a selfish bitch. But to be honest I am just totally fried. I see 12-16 clients a week, most all of them dealing with some serious sad life-shaking bullshtuff. But not only am I just burned-out but it's not like I can just talk to her one time.

I think a lot of people don't get counseling. It's not a one-shot deal or even a two shot deal. It's a commitment to a person and a relationship to work on their problems with them and I can't make that commitment right now outside of work. Hell, sometimes it's even hard to talk to my girlfriends about their stuff. It's like they want me to put on the therapy hat and I'm like damn I just want to shop. So now I feel guilty but I'll get over it. I'm gonna have to.

on the ramble...

2005-04-11T11:43:00.000-05:00

Okay I have a buttload of work to do today so naturally I am procrastinating as much as possible before diving into it. Maybe I should go get my snack-size Almond Joy out of the fridge to give me some sugar motivation. Anyway, I did one thing on my to do list I cancelled my credit card. It was hard! I was all excited when I got it to zero. One down, five more to go...but first off they have you go through all that computerized BS before you can talk to a human, then it's the wrong human and she's got to transfer you to another human and then she tried to talk me into all the good reasons why I should keep on giving them money. Which I tell you the truth I was almost convinced because hey you never know when emergencies will happen and it would be nice to have a card with more than 20 dollars open on it but I know me. And I wouldn't use it for emergencies. I'd be going out and buying clothes and shoes and everything else I could think of... Oyyyyy, the perils of credit.
Bullshtuff! Did you hear about the crazy-A folks in Wisconsin? Okay, that's a broad aspersion to cast. However, some people in WI are upset because it seems they've got an overflow of wild, ferile cats. So what they are proposing and some good Wisconsinites are protesting is the idea of killing cats. I'm talking about hunting the suckers like they are deer or something. I am not a cat lover even though I own a cat. It's like I love my cat but cats overall welllllll...they can be a bit on the prissy side. But even with my anti-cat love, I can't imagine shooting one. Heck, I hate squirrels, I'm scared to death of the suckers but I don't advocate killing those either. What the H-E-double hockey sticks is going on? Even if they are wild strays, they probably live in populated areas, so what's up, we're going to start taking out guns in the street to shoot stray animals. Wow, that's smart!

Questions I asked myself today....

2005-03-30T22:01:00.000-06:00

Questions that I asked myself today…

Why am I waking up at 6:00 a.m. when I don’t even have to be at work until 11?
Should I get off of the couch and go get prepared to start the day?
Should I treat myself to a breakfast of blueberry pancakes at Original Pancake House?
Are these pants okay to wear to work?
Why won’t my hair act right?
How many calories are in these pancakes? Who cares?
What’s on Oprah this manana?
Why does Jada look like that?
Should I get off the couch and go to work?
Is this tuna casserole cooked thoroughly or is it half-done?
Does the call from my part-time supervisor mean good things are coming, like a new job?
Why am I so dern chipper today?
Will the server be up at work?
Will I make it to work on time?
If I’m late will Cari, my supervisor’s supervisor, have a problem with me?
Why isn't this damn server up yet?
Why haven't I started working yet?
What should I ask this client next?
Oh my Goodness, where did my files go?
Am I going to have to re-do yesterday's work?
Will they discover I downloaded a game?
Will they find the personal letter I wrote to a friend?
Did I call my boss a heifer in said letter?
When can I go home?
Why won't this damn client stop talking?
Do I look as exasperated as I feel?
Why do I feel bloated?

Don't blame me for rambling...

2005-03-29T19:12:00.000-06:00

Hell, I'm tired. I need to ramble. Today was my first day teaching the new class. Okay I can already tell that they are a bunch o' duds and it's just not gonna be as fun as the first time but who cares...whateva! I'll do what I gotta do to get my extra couple hundred a week. Hmmm...that sounds a little shady. Whatever it takes within the confines of the law...is that better? Anyway, why has the server at work totally crashed. I mean the shtuff is fried. We gets no internet, no Outlook, I can't even use the good printer because it's "networked". Do you know what this means? It means I don't have something fun to occupy me while I'm supposed to be working. It means no games, no email, no blogs. Wah, wah, wah!
Last but not least, I'm home early for a change. I left before 6. That's like miraculous! I only get out before 6 on Fridays! Yeah, I coulda stayed and got mad paperwork done but screw that esp. today when it was sunny and near seventy degrees. Hmph! Anyway, since I did get home early I get to watch me some American Idol. Unfortunately, it's pretty pitiful. It's just not holding my attention. And has anyone else noticed that Paula Abdul is either slowly losing her mind or on some serious sedatives? Somethin' is seriously wrong with ol' girl. OH well, I'm gonna take advantage of my time and get back on the couch in "lean back" position.

You learn somethin' new every day...

2005-03-28T08:44:00.000-06:00

And what did I learn today, boys and girls? Well, I learned that I am going to have to let go of the myth that only black and latina girls have hip shake rhythm. I can say this because I'm a hip poppin' Mama. I'm not saying this because of some Britney Spears video. I hate when people ooh and ahh over her dancing because though the girl has some dance moves, she doesn't seem to have the natural flow that comes with innate ability. I can say this because for a black girl, I have an innate stiff-ness that makes my flow a little less than natural. Hee! Okay, anyway...I came to my discovery when I picked up my latest in a long line of fitness tapes. This one is called Hula for Weight Loss. And let me tell you, this Hawaiian woman (I have no idea of her ethnic background.) is hip poppin' for all she is worth. I was all like "Work it, Mama!" I have to tell ya' that I couldn't help being a little surprised when I saw some of the hip wiggles she was doing and not just cuz it threw me how smooth girlie's flow was but also because I am sometimes amazed at how much we (the human race) have in common. Let's all sing a chorus of "We are the World" now. The moves hula girl was doing were very much like African dance moves (yeah, I took a class). So then I got to wondering...okay if Spanish folks got the motion, and African folks what happened when the rhythm got to Northern and Eastern Europe? Not to get all Arsenio on you but it's definitely a thing that makes you go Hmmm...

I hate my job!!!! Wah!!!

2005-03-24T10:30:00.000-06:00

Okay this is more than the usual I hate my job. I am really feeling like I suck at what I do. This morning I get a msg. from a school counselor telling me that this girl that I see does not want to continue counseling. And I know the sessions I have with this girl absolutely suck because they do and I don't know where to go with her or what to discuss because she totally will not open up to me and she is so freaking depressed...

Then I get another call from a school counselor telling me that another client that we mutually see has opened up and told him some things that would really motivate him at home to behave better. And I just talked to this kid on Monday and he couldn't come up with anything except that he wanted gifts and goodies and Mom wasn't buying it which I don't blame her. And then I was feeling good because he's gotten to the point where he will at least share stuff with me even if we were having problems with the problem solving bit and I just think I suck at this whole thing!

why, why, why?

2005-03-23T12:05:00.000-06:00

Okay, why does it take me so long to get started working when I get to work. It doesn't matter what time I get here, I still have a 20 minute start up. My routine...

Come in throw my coat on the chair, throw my bags on the couch, look to see if the msg. light is blinking, say Day-um! if it is blinking, ignore it for those first 20 minutes, look at work-related email on Outlook, log onto the internet, check personal emails, go around to some of my favorite sites... then maybe just maybe I'll get sump'n done.

Does that make me a) lazy, b) trifling or c) hating my job?

Sometimes the sun peeks through the clouds...

2005-03-14T12:29:00.000-06:00

So I'm all getting in a funky mood because of much of the stuff I wrote last night when I sit down to my desk and find a really moving comment by Edward (shout-out) and I'm thinking, wow that's cool. And I'm looking on other people's blog sites and avoiding answering my phone msgs. because I never pick up my msgs the instant that I walk in because I got a horrible surprise by doing that once. Anyway, I finally screw up the courage to pick it up and I find out my 8pm client is not coming in tonight and I'm like "YEAH BABY! I get off an hour early (provided we have no crisis calls)!" And that my friends is a little bit of what I call fantastic.

Why the fuck can't I meet someone...

2005-03-13T18:23:00.000-06:00

OKay I'm cursing my head off. That means I have lost my mind. I'm sorry. I don't normally act this way. I can go the girly route and attribute it to PMS but it's not all that. I had two dates this week. You know what they wanted, some ASS. You know what they were, some ASSES. I'm being mean because I'm frustrated. Why can't I meet someone who wants something more. When I was younger, I was out there. I sowed all the wild oats my ass ever needs to sow. So now I need/want/desire more. The last times I have fooled around with someone it's been so fucking empty. I want to be with someone that I want to be with, where we are all excited because we want each other so bad, because we are having fun and we know about each other and we look at each other and it's just this communication between us going on and it's electric and funny and warm as well as hot. I don't want to look into some guys dead fucking stare or have them look at mine. I don't want to be with somebody who just wants to get his rocks off or me just getting my rocks off. I want us to give and receive and... awww CRAP, you get the freaking picture.

So where do we go from here...

2005-03-13T18:04:00.000-06:00

Where is my faith now? Oh, it's still there but some times I feel it is stretched to the limit. I don't know if I'll ever have another relationship. My last one imploded. The guy did some crazy ASS shit that sucked. Then I found out he's going out with this girl who I was cool with. But I really don't even want to go down that road right now. The whole reason it even came up is because me and the girl have mutual friends in common and he brought her up casually and it brought up all the ugliness I feel for him and her. What tests my faith and my understanding is that it's all so fucking unfair. (For y'all who have beared with me as I went off on a similar rant on a previous post, you can feel free to skip this one.) How is it this man (and this is not the first time I've been in this situation) gets to go on to a relationship with a caring person and here I am at 36 meeting losers and dealing with them and at the point where I am starting to doubt if a relationship is in the cards for me. And I think that's one of the things that hurts worst of all.

Sometimes, I like to imagine that I feel in my heart that something good is waiting for me. Then sometimes I feel like that's just a bullshit fairy tale that keeps me from being a total witch to everyone. Sometimes I think that my life can be just fine without having someone special. I can adopt and I think I would be a good mom and I think I would be fulfilled.

I saw that movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman. At the end, I told my friend that I didn't like it. She asked why and I told her that I just don't believe in fairy tales. There are fairy tale movies that I like though, like While You Were Sleeping but I'd rather see a movie like My Best Friend's Wedding where the woman has to let go of the fairy tale and realizes that she is okay and that life can be happy and she can go on. I just haven't seemed to reach that point myself. Otherwise why would I even give a shit if he's happy or not. Maybe it's just that I'm not...not right now anyway.

Funny how things work out...

2005-03-07T11:49:00.000-06:00

I never would have thought that I would end up on the other side of 35 and not have ever been married or had kids. In fact, the notion was so ridiculous that I did that thing me and a number of my friends did which was say if I'm not in a relationship that looks like it is heading somewhere by so and so age (I believe I started with the ancient number of 32) that I would head to the sperm bank and get to working the whole withdrawal thing. Of course, as I got nearer and nearer the big 3-2, I kept pushing the number up and up until I once again find myself knocking at the door of my magic number (this time 37). And I also revised my "bargain" to I would look into having a kid or adopting. But being that September (my birthday month) is 6 short months away, with nary a viable date (let alone sperm donor) in sight and serious debt considerations (okay student loans) 37 just may need to be revised. Heck, not just may, actually will be... Yeah, I know all about the reports of how hard it is to conceive and carry to term after 35, hmph 32. But if it's meant to be, is shall. So I was considering my second option, adoption, foster kid and I was thinking about it yesterday. And I was overwhelmed with what a huge responsibility it would be.

I have always wanted to be a Mom, well as an adult. I mean I heard my biological clock ticking loud and clear at age 25. But now that it's comign down to the nitty gritty for me to make some decisions, I think about how actually not having a child has allowed me to be such a kid myself and hugely selfish (which is not as bad as it sounds). Am I ready to be responsible for someone else? Am I ready to share that much of my life with someone? Am I ready to be that giving, to not just pick up at a moment's notice and run out the door-to a party-to a friend's house-to whereever? Am I ready to spend huge goo-gobs of money on things that I think will benefit this child in the long run? With nary a shred of support from another human. Maybe I need to push my number back even more...or at least start thinking about this stuff in some realistic ways.

More on docs...

2005-03-02T14:19:00.000-06:00

Reading Grace's post on Docs made me think about Doctors I have known or seen. I still haven't ever had one as good as my pediatrician Dr. Collins. He always made you feel super special like it was all about you and he gave out the Dum-dum suckers at the end of each visit. I think he had cut a side deal with the dentist. But he was warm and caring and good with kids. Now when I got to be a big ol' 12/13 and my mom was still trying to take me to see him, his bedside vibe cooled but I'll still give him 3 out of 4 stars. He's just betta with little kids.

Then there was Dr. Filak. She was the best gyno that I've ever had. I won't get into all the gory details here but I'll just say that she was attentive and talked to you like she was concerned and was listening.

I went to one Doc whose name I don't even know. Truth be told, he wasn't the doc. I never got to see my real doc because this office was always overbooked and they farmed us out to the LPNs. This LPN (a male) was giving me a "gyne" and told me how I needed to relax because with my muscles all tight he couldn't see. Okay, I can accept that but then he tells me that he feels sorry for my boyfriend if I'm that tense. And ask me if I'm always that nervous or just on my first "date" with the doctor. Ugh, what a creep.

Then there was the female GYN. who talked to my cervix (yep, that's right) in a baby voice. Saying stuff like "Come on down here little cervix". What the crap?

Lastly (finally a non-gynecological related story) there was the doc who had to remove the cyst from my back with local anesthetic and a scalpel which hurts like hell that made me feel "shamed" that I didn't seem to be able to take it. She told me "Well, I guess I'll have to stop since you are having such issues." I wanted to grab that scalpel and cut into her damn back and see how she felt! Hmph!

My current doc is okay but just okay. I'd like her to be a little more thorough and spend some time and attention but hey what can you get with a 20 dollar co-pay?

Celebrities that get on my frickin' nerves...

2005-03-01T13:47:00.000-06:00

There are some celebs that I like, that I think it would be cool to sit down and have a chat with but I'm in a ragging on folks kinda mood this afternoon, so I'd rather talk about the ones I can't frickin' stand. These celebs have earned this distinction for any number of reasons (some of which I'll list next to their names) including but not limited to: 1. Buying into their own hype. 2. Being way too self-absorbed (it's fine for a blog but not in the public eye people). 3. Disagreeing with my politics (yes, you Mr. Tom-Selleck-Charlton-Heston-Swarzenegger) Okay we can actually cross Ah-nold off the list because although we don't agree I still kinda like him (to an extent). So I've kept you waiting long enough... On to the celebs...
1. Katie Couric
2. Oprah Winfrey (I feel like I have to justify this one. I admire how much work she does and it's wonderful and I respect it and her for doing it and that's great but she acts too dern arrogant for me!)
3. J-Lo and Britney (gotta lump those two together because they just seem to go together)
4. J-Lo made me think of Ben Affleck (can you take a vacation already, brother?)
5. Bill Cosby (a little self-righteousness goes a long way)
6. Jessica Simpson (I actually think she's a sweet kid, but enough with the over-exposure already!)
7. Ashanti (that girl's voice irritates me. She always seems to be trying just a little too hard.)
8. Julia Roberts (and I soooo used to like her)
9. The entire judging panel of American Idol (with special shout outs to Simon-being mean just for the sake of being mean is so old).
10. The entire cast of the View including Barbara Waters.
I know there's a boatload of people I'm forgetting including almost anyone who was ever on a reality show (esp. those Bachelor ones that I'm proud to say I never watched), so feel free to add on...

Can you say Ewww, boys and girls?

2005-03-01T13:38:00.000-06:00

I found a CD that my ex-beast, creep, jerk made for me. And I figured I'd at least listen to it before tossing it in the dumpster. I have discarded some reasonably nice items that were old boyfriend momentos. I've usually done it in the hopes of exorcising them from my memory bank. It does at times feel rather cathartic. However, in the process I've gypped myself out of some fine Indian (straight from India) cloth, foreign coins and some comfy oversized clothes as well. So I thought I'd listen to this CD to determine if it were a keeper before chucking it. Well, I listened and oh my gosh why didn't I dump the loser after hearing this for the first time. Apparently, we are not only blinded by love but deafened by it as well. This is the sleaziest, slimy-est collection of R&B (and I am an R&B fan) that I've ever heard including such hits Pretty Brown Eyes, some Maxwell tune and a bunch of other stuff with the words "touch" and "pant" (okay well maybe not pant) in the lyrics. Not a Jill Scott tune in the bunch and to think I let him touch me with this playing in the background. Ewwwwww. I plead insanity, doctors.

All the cool kids are doing it...

2005-02-25T22:23:00.000-06:00

Okay first of this has too many damn questions so I'm going to pick and choose which ones to answer.
1.) WHAT ARE YOUR RANDOM 10 SONGS?
"I'm just a girl" - No Doubt
"You don't know me" Ray Charles
"Clarity" - John Mayer
"Whatever" Jill Scott
"He Loves Me"-Jill Scott (oh I could just name her whole first and part of second album)
"Home" Sheryl Crowe
"Run Away Little Boy" Nancy Wilson
2) WHAT IS THE GEEKIEST PART OF YOUR BOOK COLLECTION?
All of my "For Dummies Books which include Personal Finance for Dummies and Feng Shui for Dummies. Probably my cook books too.
4) WHAT IS YOUR SECRET GUARANTEED WEEPING MOVIE?
A whole bunch of them but one that might surprise you is Rocky, only the first one.
5) IF YOU COULD HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
Nothing I'm pretty damn hot.
6) DO YOU HAVE A COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL FEAR?
Tons.
7) WHAT IS THE LITTLE PHYSICAL HABIT THAT GIVES AWAY YOUR INSECURE MOMENTS?
Poor posture.
14) DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?
Most definitely. I'm working on it more and more.
16) WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY?
The flute.
20) HAVE YOU EVER PIERCED YOUR BODY PARTS?
Yes. Only my ears.
21) DO YOU HAVE TATTOOS?
Yup, but just one.
23) FAVORITE TRAIT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Hands.
25) WHAT ARE YOU BEST AT COOKING?
Cakes and pies.
34) HOW MANY DRINKS BEFORE YOU'RE TIPSY/SLEEPY? One, good night.

Crisis of Faith...

2005-02-25T11:25:00.000-06:00

Okay this does not qualify as a crisis, at least I don't think so but I've just been thinking. A friend of mine told me that she is a new Christian, which is very interesting to me. We've known each other since high school days and she has always been one of the most irreverent people I know. It's not that I'm not happy that she has found Christ and found faith. However, being the self-absorbed creature that I am, I always shine the spotlight on me and wonder if I am "Christian" enough. I will be the first to define myself as a Christian, as someone as Dr. Tim Johnson put it, who tries to follow the example of Christ. Yet, if someone were to ask me if I were "saved", I have a hard time with that question.

I feel like by saying I'm "saved", that I am condemning other people for not believing what I believe and I don't think that is my place and I don't even necessarily know if I believe that. I have friends that would cast a very judgemental eye my way for thinking like that and that might revoke my "faith" in their eyes.

Also when I look at the people of faith I know, they come in all shapes and sizes. I mean they don't always walk upright and I don't think that's what Christ is requiring us to do but I do think he wants us to make a whole-hearted effort and I wonder if I do sometimes and if I don't, does that mean I'm not a Christian? If I have questions or am not as invested in my church, what does that say? This is what I've determined thus far and I KNOW I've got a long way to go but I am on a journey. One that I will take one step at a time and one day at a time through prayer and hopefully learning. I'm not the kind of person that thinks God is going to say, Girl, you know what? I'm tired of you. You aren't doing enough so I'm through. He's not like some ol' boyfriend. Yet, maybe these questions and pricks of conscience are supposed to spur me to some action, to put my faith in practice more, to get off my bee-hind. I suppose only time and the journey will tell.

other stuff I've learned...

2005-02-25T11:15:00.000-06:00

Okay I was being all profound and shtuff when I wrote my list of things I've learned but it sounds a bit cliched and trite (except the God one) and even though I still feel like I've learned that stuff I thought I should put down some other useful stuff I've learned:
1. How to bake a mean chocolate cake, pound cake and sweet potato pie.
2. To never snoop through your man's stuff...or anyone else's either unless you want to find some stuff that you might not want to see.
3. How to do a decent push-up. I'm not saying how many I can do, it's embarrasing.
4. How to make my face go totally blank when someone is spouting total bullcrap to me. (It comes in very handy in work situations.)
5. Oh this one should go on my cliched list but I've learned that the world doesn't care about you crying. (Esp. not little kids, I was mercilessly called a crybaby from ages 6-11 'til I learned to talk back!)
6. How to accesorize.
7. How to give a good kiss. (How do I know? Cuz I just do!)
8. How to program a VCR (like that skill is worth anything now).
9. How to spot a "B-S"er. I can't give instructions but I can see it coming amile away. Now if I could only act on that knowledge.
10. How to do a handstand. (Well, with the wall behind me I can do anything). ; )

Has anyone else noticed...

2005-02-24T14:57:00.000-06:00

Has anyone else noticed that it seems to be increasingly acceptable for people to denigrate and disparage people of other races? I guess Mary Mitchell noticed being that she wrote this column. Now this column deals with black folks but I am an equal opportunity a--hole ripper. I don't have tolerance for people trippin' on other people. Did anyone hear about the A-holes in NY making fun of victims of the Tsunami? Yet another thing I do not understand....RACISM!! How can you just think yourself superior to someone because they don't look like you. What the hell is up with that?

On-air bashing of blacks unacceptable step back
February 13, 2005
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
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At what point did it become cool for white people to make black people the butt of their jokes on radio?
When did we turn that corner?
I'm not talking about the disrespectful put-downs of black public figures, as one radio announcer did when he called Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice "Aunt Jemima."
Or the slip of the tongue that had a weatherman in Las Vegas reporting the temperature on "Martin Luther Coon King Day." Maybe the offending word slipped out, just like the man said it did.
Frankly, anyone dumb enough to think they could get away with such a thing is too dumb to be on TV.
I'm not even talking about the angry whites who have built their careers by verbally attacking black people. I may not agree with a word they have to say, but at least they are trying to make a point. And, frankly, I don't worry much about them. That which is mean-spirited begets mean-spiritedness.
I'm talking about the alarming way blacks are talked about on the radio -- all for the sake of entertainment.
Last month, a popular radio personality, "Java Joel" Murphy, was fired from WKSC-FM (103.5) after a listener complained about his on-air racist joke. Murphy, a 30-year-old white guy, said he was thinking about "adopting three black kids" and "taking them to the zoo to see where they come from."
In an interview with Robert Feder, Murphy admitted he "crossed the line."
New trend slipped in
But here's the interesting thing. Murphy also pointed out that there was "no public outcry, no boycott, no protest." Only two people called to complain -- and they were related, Murphy said.
And that's my point.
Unfortunately, while most of us weren't paying attention, this new trend popped up.
Last Friday, John Willis, a long-time reader and avid radio listener, called me to complain about the "Mac, Jurko and Harry" show on ESPN-1000 radio. Apparently, the show's host, Dan McNeil, remarked that if you want to get a job, be a black woman in a wheelchair.
"I called Thursday morning. I called Friday morning. Nobody would return my phone call," Willis said.
"My sister is in a wheelchair because she is a diabetic," he said. "She is a black woman in a wheelchair, and she hasn't gotten any breaks because of that."
Since I didn't listen to the show, I do not know the context of McNeil's comments. And the station's program director, Len Weiner, did not return repeated phone calls. But a woman who answered the phone at the radio station did acknowledge she was getting other calls about McNeil's remarks.
So I don't know why McNeil used an analogy of a "black woman in a wheelchair." I can't imagine why he would drag black women into his rant. But there are certain things a white man cannot get away with, and one of them is a joke about a black woman.
"Everybody wants to put a foot on a black woman's neck," Maya Angelou wrote in her autobiography. And it is still true. In order to survive, black women had to learn how to get that foot back where it belonged. Still, I'm always surprised that I never see that foot coming.
Black bias spurs hate crimes
Last week, I got an e-mail response to a column about Martha Stewart's upcoming reality show, and what it says about white privilege. I was stunned.
"You Black B - - - -," the e-mail began.
Although I didn't read much further, I thought about the writer's gall all the way home. I'm afraid we're inching backward to the time when hatred between the races was palatable. And that's incredibly sad.
So I am not surprised that racial prejudice was behind more than half of the country's 7,400 reported hate crime incidents in 2003. According to the FBI, reports of hate crimes motivated by anti-black bias totaled 2,548. Those crimes included spray-painting of swastikas and racial slurs on property and verbal threats.
There were 3,150 black victims, including four who were murdered, the reports showed.
All of the black bashing couldn't be helping.
Wrong target
If these insensitive oafs think they can say anything about black people, how long will it be before their listeners come to believe they can do whatever they want to black people.

What does it mean when?

2005-02-24T13:33:00.000-06:00

Okay so I listed all the stuff I think I know and left off a whole bunch of stuff because y'all know I'm brilliant like that and I didn't want to overwhelm anybody with all of my knowledge. But for all of the stuff I do know, there's also a bunch of stuff I still can't figure out and I'll make a list for ya' (but not today). For today, I want to ask one simple question (for starters). I must confess this question does sound a bit like sump'n you'd read in Seventeen or Teen People.
What does it mean when you hang out with a boy (man) and he seems to be digging you...but at the end of the date you get no smooches? (Can you tell I'm obsessed with this whole smoochin' issue?) I mean is it like that book says "He's just not that into you." Is it that your breath is kicking up a dust storm? (And by the way I know it's not that because I made sure to be minty fresh.) Is it that he isn't a kisser? And should you (as the girl) ever make the first move? I have never started up any kiss action in 36 years of living--unless I had been going out with dude for a while and he had kissed me first at least 58.3 times. Maybe I should kiss him on the cheek and see his response. I'm sooooo 14. At any rate, I'm not going to be able to test any of this stuff out because said boy in question is in the Bahamas and won't even be back until next week sometime and by then my fickle-A will be back to not liking him again.

Pearls...

2005-02-24T13:18:00.000-06:00

Okay, this is not going to be a long list...but I was thinking I should pass along my wisdom to others...
Things I've learned in 36 years of livin'...
1. Art is important (be it the written word, drawing, acting, music). It feeds the mind, soul and spirit.
2. Everyone should have something they are passionate about. It makes life worth living. My personal passion, literature and food (somewhat unfortunately).
3. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. That is a quote from Helen Keller that was on one of those posters that teen girls of the 80s (including myself) had on their walls. It was a photo of waves crashing on the rocks.
4. It's okay to be a little bit corny. Hey, everybody can't be cool all the time. Even the Fonz had his Richie.
5. You gotta be able to be your own friend which I will also sum up in the following two sentences: Like yourself. Love yourself. (You're less likely to take crap from anybody that way.)
6. To thine ownself be true. That kinda goes with number 4 a little but what I'd add on to it is that there's no point in trying to be like everybody else, just be yo' damn self.
7. God is there. When things are good, when they are bad, he's still there.
8. Things change...all the damn time. Think about where you were this time last year. How many changes can you count? If you can't count any, you betta shake it up, mama!
9. Smooches and hugs are medicine. If you can't get yo' smooch on (which I can't right now), then find your closest friend, your mama, your papa-somebody and give 'em a squeeze. GRRHMM-HUH! That was me sending out a big un. : )

There simply is not enough time...

2005-02-20T22:24:00.000-06:00

There are not enough hours in the day to accomplish the things I need to get done. Big ol' heavy sigh. I skipped going to church today. One of the main reasons was to get some stuff accomplished but I don't feel like I did crap. I did but it doesn't feel like it because I still have another boatload of stuff to do. The goal for today was to clean my bedroom which is disgustingly dirty, wash a load of clothes, pay my bills, run to Field's and pay that bill in person so it wouldn't be late, pick up a few things I wanted to buy, and bake a cake (oh and work out). Here's what I did, washed a load of clothes, went to Field's and baked a cake (from scratch) and I worked out for all of ten minutes (home DVD). And I think that's pretty good but I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of crap I still have to do. Hell, I'm just overwhelmed. Working 6 days a week and having the crazy-A work schedule I do have just makes life tough. I gotta find a way to manage my time and de-stress too.

More stuff...I love my mom but I was rude to her today and I regret it. I'm happy that since she's found out she's diabetic that she is doing better with her eating habits and losing weight but that does not give her the right to harrass me. I told her I was baking a cake and she freaked. Okay first off, I'm not going to eat the whole thing. I'm taking it to work but it just p'oed me to no end. My mom was over 200 lbs. I'm talking way over 200 lbs. and she is trying to ride me for being 150. Wha--?! Come on now! She of all people should know that harrassing people is no way to get them to lose weight.

Oh I did do something else. I chose a book for my class to read. I was going to do Their Eyes Were Watching God which has one of the most beautiful love stories and stories about women being empowered that I think I've ever read but I was concerned that the deep Southern black dialect would kill my students. Oh a quick aside here, why are Oprah and Halle ruining my story, the aforementioned novel. First off, pretty and sweet as Ms. Berry may be she can not act in my opinion and she is no Janie (the lead character in the book). Secondly, the preview I saw on TV only seems to make it some hot steamy sex scene which ain't even what the book is about. Oh my heavens. Anyway, I chose Your Blues Ain't Like Mine, which I also like but I was concerned about it being literary or classic enough. Afterall, it's less than 20 years old so it's not like it's stood the test of time. Oh well, I don't care unless my supervisor says no that's what they will be reading. Anyway, I'm tired. Night all!

Lately all I talk about is boys...

2005-02-19T22:54:00.000-06:00

Damn, this reminds me of when I was in friggin' high school. But stalker boy sent me a text msg. today. I don't know if I should respond. Anyone with some common sense would just not respond but it's hard for me to flat out ignore someone when they haven't done anything mean to me. However, I don't want boy to get the wrong impression and start harassing me again. I can' t be getting cussed out every week over some BS like I didn't call you that day.

Funny but true

2005-02-18T08:44:00.000-06:00

Just a chuckle for you to start your day. This is why I do NOT talk about men I meet right after I meet them because they inevitably seem to turn out to be a flop. Although to be entirely fair, it's not so much that Michael is a "flop" but lets just say we are in the "just friends" category. You know how when you go out with someone you feel that spark of attraction or you feel them being attracted to you. Well, after date number 2, I'm not getting that vibe and I don't really think he is either. One of my good guy friends, Tim, and I have this on-going joke about how when we first met and we went to the movies, he wasn't sure if it was a date or not. The joke is that after he saw me he knew it wasn't a date because of the way I was dressed. He said I was way too casual for it to be a date. If I recall correctly I had on some sweats and a blue jean jacket. That's how I felt yesterday. I went to pick him up (that's a whole nother story). I'm starting to think the Benz-o was not his. Anyway I go to pick boy up and he's dressed pretty casual and not quite as cute as I remember. It might be the Gilligan's Island stubble boy was sporting, I don't know. But we still had a nice time and a few chuckles. Then we go to an Indian Restaurant buffet. I now know that I am not an Indian food fan. It wasn't bad but I wasn't happy at paying 13 bucks for all you can eat when I didn't eat but a couple spoons. Bruh-man did not have that problem. He ate like he had been on a five-day fast and this was his first day off. I just don't think that's the impression you give if you're digging someone. So I had promised him a hand massage later in the day. I pride myself on my hand massages which I had to let him know are not referred to as hand jobs (no, I don't think he was trying to throw hints, I think he really didn't know), b/c a hand "job" is a whole different other thing altogether. Anyway, I give him one of my world-class hand massages and this boy falls asleep and not a cute little I'm drifting, but a full on head back hog calling snooze. Girl, it was a hoot. To his credit, he was a gentleman and stayed out on the couch. Can we say the crush is crushed...

Boys, boys, boys...

2005-02-16T09:58:00.000-06:00

I am over my crush. I think it was just the Jill Scott CD that had me in a lovey dovey mood. I'm mad because cute boy that I mentioned in the previous post has not called me. Wah! We're still scheduled to go out tomorrow but I want him to call me. I want him to be as my friend calls it, "on fyah for me!" Hell, I can't even catch a whiff of smoke coming off the boy. I know I'm being extreme. I just met him and I can't expect the boy to be calling me 24-7 and if he was, I'd be labeling him a psycho just like that other dude I met a couple weeks ago. Anyway, I know, I know. I need to calm my azz down but don't blame me, it's the Jill Scott, I tell ya'.

How did you know...

2005-02-15T14:05:00.000-06:00

How did you know if I never told you? You found out, I've got a crush on you! Remember that song? I hate to admit that I know a song by the Jets, the corniest group the 80s ever produced. It was a group of 8 sibs, (5 boys and 3 girls) from Hawaii. Okay, that is far more than you ever wanted to know, far more than I should admit I know and it has nothing to do with the subject. I have a crush people. I'm already trying to rationalize it away by saying that it's probably just that I haven't been interested in anyone in a long while and that we are too different and that we haven't exactly had the "bomb" conversations and all of that is true buttttt it's also true that he's a cutie and a nice person and it's been a long time since I've actually smiled when I see someone's name in my caller ID.

His name is Mike. He's a friend of a friend. It was a fix-up. I can't get a total read on if he's interested or not. He seems interested. And we talked about going out again so I guess we'll just have to see what happens. It's nice to know that I haven't totally become disenchanted with boys. I was beginning to think I'd lost my ability to be attracted (more than physically) to someone. Anyway, I'll keep y'all posted.

In other good news...I have the opportunity to teach at the community college again. This is the class on teaching the research paper. The book I want to teach "Their Eyes Were Watching God" is a beautiful story but it's written in "black dialect" that is super hard to understand, and considering where I'm going to be teaching is mostly white, I'm wondering should I be torturing these children. I could be selfish and tell them that's what Cliff Notes are for but I may give them a break, I don't know yet. Anyway, I'm taking suggestions for other titles.

Okay I admit it...

2005-02-15T13:56:00.000-06:00

I'm a big ol' slob! I used to say I was a little junky or a trifle unorganized but no my bee-hind is a slob-monster. I'm not foul and nasty, you won't find mold growing in my house or on my desk but I have a hard time putting stuff where it belongs. I mean I like the idea of being neat and organized. I love it when things are clean and orderly but I feel like I never have the time to do it or maintain it. And I don't really know how to do it. Like my job for instance has tons of paperwork. I don't know where to file half the crap that comes across my desk. Anyway, I actually straightened my desktop for the first time in weeks. I mean you can see the desk! Wow! Now if I can just get down to business in my apt. I mean it looks like absolute hell! I could use the excuse that I don't have time (which I don't) or that I've been depressed (which I have-a little) but I just need a friggin' maid to be honest. Well, I'm finally at the fed-up point where even if I have to stay up til 3 in the manana, I gotta clean that crap up. I'm sick of living in a filth pile. It bees like that sometimes.

Ossie Davis

2005-02-04T13:52:00.000-06:00

He will be truly missed. This man was dignity and beauty personified.

Actor Ossie Davis Found Dead in HotelFeb 4, 11:08 AM EST
The Associated Press
NEW YORK - Ossie Davis, the imposing, unshakable actor who championed racial justice on stage, on screen and in real life, often in tandem with his wife, Ruby Dee, has died. He was 87.
Davis, who wrote, acted, directed and produced for the theater and Hollywood, was a central figure among black performers for decades. He and Dee celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in 1998 with the publication of a dual autobiography, "In This Life Together."
In 2004, Davis and Dee were among the artists selected to receive the Kennedy Center Honors.
When not on stage or on camera, Davis and Dee were deeply involved in civil rights issues and efforts to promote the cause of blacks in the entertainment industry. They nearly ran afoul of the anti-Communist witch-hunts of the early 1950s, but were never openly accused of any wrongdoing.
Davis directed several films, most notably "Cotton Comes to Harlem" (1970) and "Countdown at Kusini" (1976), in which he also appeared with Dee.
He also had what he described in the book as a "flirtation with the Young Communist League," which he said essentially ended with the onset of World War II. Davis spent nearly four years in service, mainly as a surgical technician in an Army hospital in Liberia, serving both wounded troops and local inhabitants.
Back in New York in 1946, Davis debuted on Broadway in "Jeb," a play about a returning soldier. His co-star was Dee, whose budding stage career had paralleled his own. They had even appeared in different productions of the same play, "On Strivers Row," in 1940.
In December 1948, on a day off from rehearsals from another play, Davis and Dee took a bus to New Jersey to get married. They already were so close that "it felt almost like an appointment we finally got around to keeping," Dee wrote in "In This Life Together."
As black performers, they found themselves caught up in the social unrest fomented by the then-new Cold War and the growing debate over social and racial justice.
"We young ones in the theater, trying to fathom even as we followed, were pulled this way and that by the swirling currents of these new dimensions of the Struggle," Davis wrote in the joint autobiography.
He lined up with socialist reformer DuBois and singer Paul Robeson, remaining fiercely loyal to the singer even after Robeson was denounced by other black political, sports and show business figures for his openly communist and pro-Soviet sympathies.
While Hollywood and, to a lesser extent, the New York theater world became engulfed in McCarthyism controversies, Davis and Dee emerged from the anti-communist fervor unscathed.
"We've never been, to our knowledge, guilty of anything — other than being black — that might upset anybody," he wrote.

New experiences...(the ellipses are back)

2005-02-04T13:00:00.000-06:00

As a writer, I am always looking for new experiences that I can chronicle or use as a literary impetus (dig the fancy words). Well, I had one yesterday. I had surgery for the first time. It was not major surgery but I did have to be put under anesthesia. Can I just say it was totally awful. I'm still nauseous today. All I remember is the anesthesiologist (sp?) laughing and saying it was already taking effect and then waking up and fighting the nurse. I'm sure she wanted to clock me but she wasn't listening. I didn't want to lay down and I sure as crap didn't want that heavy hot blanket on me. So to yesterday's nurse and nurses everywhere I apologize.

Did you ever notice how there are super great compassionate nurses and then some that are total witches (with a capital B)? I know that it's like any other profession in the world. There are good people and bad people, skilled folks and incompetent ones but I gotta send a shout out to all the great nurses. Not yesterday's sparring partner though, because even though she fought the impulse to knock me out she wasn't very nice. However, there was this nurse who held my hand once when I had to have a cyst removed from my back. They only use local anesthetic for that and believe me the crap hurts. If they don't get it just right, you can feel the scalpel cutting your tissue. And it huuuuuuuurrrrrttts, anyway, I cried like a baby and squeezed the lady's hand so tight, it's a wonder I didn't break bones. Not to mention the fact that I didn't do any cute little lady-like tears. I sobbed and snotted and slobbered all over this woman and not once did she complain. So thank you Nurse (whoop, I don't remember her name).

Frustrated, fed up, impatient etc. et-frigging-cetera

2005-01-30T22:37:00.000-06:00

I'm a big freaking hypocrite. Remember bar boy. Of course you do. I just wrote about him in my last post. Well he has been calling continuously and I told him to relax and calm down. He was telling me how he was fed up with not having a relationship and that he was thinking of moving to a land far far away. So I told him that he should just be patient and blah de blah de bullshit. Well, I'm not feeling very patient tonight. In fact I'm feeling rather P'Oed. A friend of mine was doing a whole hook-up, fix-up thing and I was supposed to meet this guy friend of hers tonight. Well, he supposedly forgot and did not show but told us to swing by his place after the show. Well after the show she was tired and so I told her to just tell him to call me. She was all hesitant and was like hmmm...okay. Like I doubt if she's going to do it. For some reason she's all that she needs to be there when we meet. Why? I don't know. If you don't want me to meet your fricking friend then just say so. I'm super disappointed about not meeting him not because I was anticipating some grand love connection but because I was looking good. I'm talking fabulous. I'm not going to even fake the modesty. Hell, I wouldn't have even minded if it didn't work out but I wanted to see him and decide it was no big deal. Not have the dude not even show or have my friend wimp out. "I'm tired. Wah, wah, wah!" She's got a boyfriend so what the hell is her deal? I am so tired of being disappointed. Damn!

Full moon action and the bar-boy

2005-01-27T16:38:00.000-06:00

That sounds way more provocative than it actually is... The full moon action refers to the fact that yesterday was cra-zay. For starters, I was having a typical day, you know seeing clients and the like and I somehow or somewhere banged my knee. I only vaguely remember doing it. The reason it even became an issue is because I was talking to a client and I noticed my knee was stinging. So I look down and find the edge of my cute little beige corduroy skirt with a little red stain, I hike it up (yeah, in front of my client) and see that my knee is oozing blood. I'm talking a lot running down my leg onto my tore up stockings. I'm all like excuse me while I handle this. Okay, I have never bled in front of a client but oh well. Guess it makes me seem more human. My question is just when was he going to tell me because it was obvious to everyone but me. So I'm talking to client 1 and he tells me that at the school they used to have this whole thing set up like "Fight Club". They would just meet up after school and beat the crap out of one another, complete with boxing gloves etc. My mind is blown. What the hell is going on with kids these days? Is that the only way they can get all the frustration and anger they feel out? As a matter of fact, per my client, yes, it is.

Next...I leave my job at 8 (late night) and go visit an old friend and hang out there until about 11. Meanwhile bar boy is blowing up my cell. He's going to a reggae thing and asks me if I want to go. Nah, I'll pass. Reggae is cool and all but it's late, I'm tired and not even feeling it. So about 11 he asks if he can swing by. And I say okay... Nah, it wasn't like that. I wasn't trying to play no touchy-feely footsies with ol' boy. I just wanted to see how he looked cleaned up. So he swings by and he is toting a 40 oz. Now that is one stereotype that I can do without. Don't come to my house with the 40 oz and in a paper bag nonetheless. Then he can't last an hour without asking if he can smoke in my house. Um...no... So I'm totally ragging on him for that but the sad part came next... And I'm pretty sure it wasn't alcohol-induced. He asks if he can recite one of his poems and I'm like sure. (And I'll give him props he has skills, he's like a spoken word artist) But the poem is all about how his abusive dad used to beat the crap out of his mom. Then he tells me that I should write poetry. I told him I am not that skilled in that realm. But he insists. No you really should write poems. Okay--whatever. Then for the next 15 minutes, he starts telling me about all of these tragedies that happened in his life including the abusive dad, his own hospitalization and his depression. All of this in the span of 30 minutes and without him knowing my middle name. And the bad part about it is I can't really clown him because I have enough compassion to feel sorry for the brother. Not enough compassion to date him but enough compassion to be a friend. And definitely not enough compassion to give up any smoochies. I don't want to find him outside my door, MGD bottle in hand, crying or trying to hurt me. And let me make this clear to brotha I am not giving free therapy sessions either. YIKES! Although he told me that therapy never works for him because he gets inside the therapist's head. Now that I will clown and did by laughing out loud. He told me, "Oh you'll see". Am I being paranoid or does that sound a little Hannibal Lecter-y to you?

...I just noticed all of my posts end with ellipses (which I love) but I am trying to stop using. I just deleted the ones from this title

So much to ramble about, so little time...

2005-01-25T13:39:00.000-06:00

Okay for starters, why am I so frigging lazy today. Yesterday I was so productive and today well let's just say it's almost 2 and I've done NOTHING (okay that's not entirely true). I went to a meeting and made some calls but...

Alright moving on. Just read an interesting article on Johnny Carson and how he kept his private life well private. I'm totally digging that concept. I really don't need to know all the details of what sheets you buy, who cuts your hair or that you have an alter ego that you call Mona Lisa (that last is directed at one Ms. Britney Spears who I think has totally lost her mind in her desperate attempt to say anything to keep her name in the headlines). I'd like to think that I would be all cool, calm and collected and not tell the whole world every little thing about my life but then again knowing me, I'd probably be blabbing about my life 24-7. I don't know if it's the hazards of being an only child but you just get used to being the center of attention and running off at the flap. I've been working on keeping my private life a little more private but it's gonna take some time. This came to my attention after I realized that I just shared some serious personal stuff with this girl at work who asked. Now I don't think she asked out of concern but pure-d nosiness. I mean she's not a bad person or anything just a nosey one and here I go spilling my guts to her. So far she hasn't blabbed and I asked her not to but just the fact that she knows something about my personal life does not make me feel too good and I usually have pretty good instincts about these things.

Next item... have you noticed how fricking "mean" people are lately? A lot of people have been talking about how sad they are that Johnny Carson passed, so on and so forth but a whole lot of people (on the radio and in the news) have been taking shots at Jay Leno. I've never been a Johnny Carson fan...he was more hot during my childhood and teen years and I was not sitting up to watch some old guy (that's how I saw him then) talking to other old people. (How I reconcile that with my childhood love of Phil Donahue has yet to be determined.) And even though I'm in my 30s now, I'm not a Leno fan either. I just have never been down with the late night talk shows. They always seem pretty boring to me. And heaven knows I can't stand David Letterman (I have never seen someone who just comes across as so hateful). Anyway, back to my point, if you're going to celebrate Johnny, celebrate him why dog out the man who replaced him. And for all the people who say well Jay shouldn't have gotten the Tonight show, it belonged to Letterman--Oh get a damn grip, people and don't take the time at someone's death to get all up on your high horses.

But back to general mean-ness...people are just ugly these days. This guy flicked me off because I didn't stop my car in the middle of the street to let him come out of an alleyway. Anyway, that irks me when people flip me off esp. when I don't think I've done anything wrong. But what pisses me off more than just getting the bird is when people do it and I have a kid in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know kids today aren't as innocent as they used to be and they probably say worse on the playground but I don't give a good doggone. People like that make me want to bash their frigging windshields. Anger management problems, anyone? And here I am a therapist.

And speaking of needing my own freaking therapy. Why the heck am I dreaming about my ex and his current. I was over him, OVER...until I found out he was seeing someone. I do not want him back so let's not even go there. But why is he even in my mind and why can't I let it gooooooo!? Jeez, Louise!

And I thought I had no life...

2005-01-24T15:49:00.000-06:00

Not to rag on other people (okay so I really shouldn't say that because I'm totally about to rag on other people)... Who are these goofs that stood across the street from a church in Palm Beach to get pictures of Donald Trump and his new wife. And I'm not talking photographers or paparazzi either. I am talking about Joe and Jane Public standing out there with little instamatic cameras. Some people even have their kiddies out there to take the photos too. Why? Why people? Why? Even when Mr. LL Cool J who I luuuuuuuvvved came to DC to sign his book, I refused to stand in that loooong-A line to get a hug. (It wrapped around the building--people.) Anyway, nothing like a little eye-rolling at someone else's expense to perk up your spirits.

Speaking of which, I've been going thru a thang and I had hoped that my one bright spot might be the Steelers beating down on the Patriot's bootays and what happens, the suckas choke. I saw this game at my little local pub where a semi-cute boy tried to hit on me last night. I was not feeling him all that much which means, if my life runs true to pattern, by next week, I'll be loving me some him. Well, hopefully, I will not...hopefully I will have learned from past mistakes and just be friends with ol' boy and we'll see what, if anything, develops.

Things happen for a reason...(YEAH, right!)

2005-01-19T16:57:00.000-06:00

People say that things happen for a reason. I don't really know if I believe that. I'm more inclined to believe that shit sometimes just happens. That's how life goes. And how we handle it is what's important. I know that people think that stuff happens so that you can learn a lesson or you can grow in faith...or any number of things. I don't know if I buy that. Maybe it's the case sometimes and for some people. My personal philosophy is things happen and that people have the option to handle them in any number of ways. They can chose to NOT learn the lesson. (Of course some spiritual teachers say that this means that you will have to repeat the lesson.) They can chose to pout and stomp and say Not me! Why me!? It's not fair and life sucks! And heaven knows I've chosen options number one and two on any number of occasions. Right now I'm choosing option number three (and I know this crap probably makes no sense without knowing the specifics of what I'm talking about), that option is realizing that there are things I can not control. All I can do is pray, have faith and hope for the best. I try to remember (and I know I'm repeating myself here) that God is not out to "get" us or harm us. That God is good. Unfortunately, this does not mean getting everything we want handed to us on a silver platter. Okay I'm done because when I'm going thru a thang (hell, even when I'm not) I tend to ramble.

I do not understand...

2005-01-18T17:16:00.000-06:00

(Real ramble warning) I do not understand why some people seem to be born under a lucky star and then why some people seem to have to deal with mondo amounts of shit but I guess that's life and we all have our ups and downs. It seems to me that whenever I get some disturbing news, then I can't help but feel like my whole life is a disaster and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's hard to remember that people have been through and continue to go through much worse things in their lives.

I found out that I have to have yet another frugging medical procedure because obviously the first one didn't take or didn't work or who the crap knows what. Sometimes I wonder if some things are a test of faith and I say well God, I guess I fail or don't meet up to expectations because my first response is to scream and thrash and pull my own hair and feel like I'm getting punished for something I did wrong. Then I calm down and try to remember that God doesn't operate that way. I try to remember all the other times I was "going thru a thang" and I came out fine. I try to remember that God is good and faithful and that I truly believe that.

It's just that sometimes it hard to remember things when you are tired of going up and down and you can barely see the light at the end of tunnel or what's worse is you can see it but you sure as hell don't know how to get there.

Have ya' noticed....

2005-01-12T16:46:00.000-06:00

Have you noticed how crazy everyone has become or perhaps I should say...how hypocritical everyone has become. It's this whole Randy Moss thing that has me worked up today. Well, to be honest, I'm a little bit "blah" to really label myself worked up. Anyway, everyone is in an uproar because Moss (a pro football player) bent over and shook his butt at the crowd of the opposing team. On the talk radio program I listen to, the host was practically hyperventilating and calling for the man's head on a silver platter. The way he was going on I assumed that Mr. Moss had dropped trou and shown us bare, ashy boo-tay. Come to find out he didn't lower anything. All he did was a little pantomime and perhaps a booty shake. And people are "morally outraged". Gimme a damn break. It's like that whole "outrage" over the NFL commercial with Nicolette Sheridan and Terell Owens. Are we in the midst of a new era of moral sensibility where people are mad as hell and they refuse to take this debauchery anymore? It would seem that way when you listen to the so called indignant outcries of announcers and radio talk show hosts. One announcer said "it was a disgusting act". Now I'm not saying it was the most mature thing anyone has ever done but disgusting, I'm thinking of about 5 or 6 other things just off the top of my head that would warrant that label more than Moss' little booty dance. They include:

1. Any plastic surgery show that asks the participants to be in a beauty pageant after their makeovers.

2. All those Cialis and Viagra commercials that show smiling men throwing footballs through the holes of swinging inner tubes.

3. The mental image of Bill O'Reilley leering as he talks dirtily to someone about a "loofah".

4. People willing to subject themselves to the public humiliation of walking around overweight and in a bathing suit/underwear to be on something called "The Biggest Loser"

5. Women catfighting over some man calling himself "The Bachelor".

and a personal one here...

this gross out pimple on my cheek.

Anyway, if people were really offended (and they offend really easy) then okay you have a right to express your opinion. But half the people whose mouths fell into that little "O" shape and who placed their hands over their hearts in outrage are the same ones who are hypocritically getting their own freaky sneaky going. And that's all I have to say about that. (Forrest Gump)